cross this heart. hope to die.

it made me uneasy. a chance upon the early afternoons sullen gray, washing it red and white with memory. you see darling, i had pushed it far behind my eyes to that place that i rarely go - and never mean to. i was sitting, knees under chin, a faded pair of gym shorts failing to cover the freckles marking my skin like dust covers a shelf, segmented. i saw a picture, one where i was no one near, time and space separated but yet brought back together. i wanted to see your smile again just then, the one you used to give me in a place that could never be my home again. that room, just the sheer vision of it on the artificial screen brought that intoxicating smell back to sabotage my senses. my mind wandered. pictures of a thousand different people mark my walls, and you are scattered among them, unaware. i pick over them, unaware. then at the precise gap in time the centrifuge is lit, causing a seismic reaction to rip through every molecule of every cell inside this structure. it burns, like a good night in a good bar, cigarette smoke in the air while the socially inept attempt to find someone to save them - to no avail. you see darling? do you understand dear? i ran away from you, and now i have fallen badly and splintered my bones and can not let you see me in this way. is there a reason? no. there is only you and i. there is only one, and the heart we shared you have handed away once again to another man. one in heavy boots, set for a heavy war, and off the dark will take you. another chance at light extinguished by the burden filled night. the air is humid in the box of human capacity, as the simple process carried by my lungs commences i realize that the air is getting thicker, a personal rain falling on a desolate boy fighting to become a man. the days are grow longer - poison oak up a splintery tree. the years are growing shorter, youth squandered without a passing contemplation, and we all fade to black as the night wears on the toll grows heavy. we have no more money to pay, we have no weapons to fight. just a passing thought of an empty room, a corner encapsulated by the most beautiful dream to ever cross this heart. hope to die.