raise an army or a flood

i awoke this morning with a gentle stream of gloden light flickering through the blinds, but i hasitly closed them. i crave the darkness. right now i feel as though there is nothing good in me. i want to be the villian, i want to be the one who you saw on the screen systematically killing off hundreds of thousands of people. i crave genocide. i feel like lately the entire world has been crashing down on top of me, not allowing me a second to catch my breath or ready my defenses. it just builds and builds, like early mathematics where if you missed a vital lesson, you would be lost for the entirety of your life. i missed several. right now i just can't handle anything or anyone. last night pacing along a rural highway i couldn't help but let out a scream to hallow out my cheeks and lungs. it was fallowed by another, and yet another until my voice box broke like an old record player, just scratching until there were scars. i want to burn it all down, all of modern civilization and start over. i wish i was noah, so i didn't have to deal with all the dishonesty and worthless problems people are constantly throwing in my face. if i could i would raise an army or a flood strong enough to wipe out everything in this entire world. i'm so sick of it all, and there is no cure. what am i supposed to fucking do? grow up and have a wife and kids, rack up credit card debt, maybe join a church? i want to be john muir, living in yosemite national park for all my days with a beard down to my knees, climbing trees during lightning storms. long story short, i never signed this contract, and now i want the fuck out.