run dry.

i feel completely left behind.

i have been, and i did it to myself. while all the first year college students were hard at work in midwestern classrooms last spring, i was wasting time. maybe not wasting. the jury is still out in my mind on that exact spring. i learned many things that have struggled applying to my day to day life. lessons learned that now are viewed as truth in my mind's eye, but are not put into practice on a daily basis.

as i catch up with old friends, it seems they all are off on grand adventures that over shadow my small town iowa existance. spain, romania, the nedtherlands, china, japan, austrailia and everywhere else seem to be under the heels of my former peers. as they cross language and custom barriers, i struggle to live within my own native system.

i no longer procrastinate. i do put things off, but with no intention of ever doing them. i simply wait for them to become irrelevant and then find away around the obstacle. this is a horrible plan of action that only leads to failure. i have field tested it several times in the last month and countless times in my life time. however, i still implement it each and everyday to some aspect of my life.

i am not ready to grow up. i do not even begin to think that i know what it would take. maybe i do, i'm just not ready to admit the sacrifices that need to be made. i have and remain unwilling to spend my last night in the nursery for some reason unknown to me. it is starting to wear me thin.

i want an escape route that leads to nowhere. i want a break. more than anything though, i want a second first chance. second chances are terrible. they are constantly riddled with inspection and correction, others forcing their way into your life to save you in some way or another. i want the undiluted expectations, and the ability i should have gained by now to reach them. there are no second first chances, and to everyone i encounter, i am starting to look like a failure.

i have nothing else to say. my thoughts have run dry.

teeth cleaned.

i wish i could just be comfortably three weeks ahead on all of my assignments. the never-ending pile of documents accumulating on my desk are starting to weigh me down. i have reached the stage where apathy provides a bomb proof bubble around the mass of vanilla folders and copier misprints littered about my desk.

everything keeps coming between work and myself currently. i have a composition that was due yesterday. i have been ill, and did not attend the class yesterday, but i still feel sheepish about the delinquency of the assignment. i just can not seem to focus and get it started. i have no interest in writing a letter to the editor of a fictional paper. why not have us carefully digest the globe gazette for a week, and then write a thought provoking real letter to the editor? anyway, i just can't get it done. i have done several things today instead of my paper:

taken a shower, watched sportscenter, went to the rec center, played 21 with the guys from work, lifted weights, dropped matt off at home, took my men's 1 a day vitamin, ate cheese and bread, picked matt up, went to northside kum and go, dropped matt off at work, came home, cooked an omelet, made a banana split, watched wrestlemania X between razor ramone and shaun michaels, and read assorted things on the internet.

i'm delaying getting it done. i have a dentist appointment at one fifty. i'm so excited to have my teeth cleaned and then go to work. then homework? probably not.

Valentine.

"Valentine" - The Get Up Kids (Something to Write Home About)

why: It’s words you forget to anniversary songs. The bottles bite back, your tolerance wrong. Your good intentions count for little anymore. If you’re sorry, why wage war? I’m not fully convinced. There’s something wrong with this. Could another point of view, Biased and untrue, Tear me away from you? Will you be my valentineIf I’m a world away? Apologies are breaking me. Constants aren’t so constant anymore. Two days I wait for calls to come through. Tonight for me translates to yesterday to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNxYAYbQ90I

"Still" - Ben Folds (Suppersunnyspeedgraphic ep)

why: I must give the impression. That I have the answers for everything. You were so disappointed. To see me unravel so easily. It's only change. It's only everything thing I know. It's only change, and I'm only changing. You want something that's constant, and I only want it to be me, but, watch, even the stars above. Things that seem still are still changing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvoKHFAYHw8

"Reinvent the Wheel" - Bright Eyes (Four Winds ep)

why: My friend you were the model. A priceless work of art. Boys would fashion their emotions to the pattern of your heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1xjiT1gddE

"Suddenly Everything Has Changed" - The Flaming Lips (The Soft Bulletin)

why: Putting all the vegetables away, that you bought at the grocery store today. And it goes fast, you think of the past. Suddenly everything has changed. Driving home the sky accelerates, and the clouds all form a geometric shape. And it goes fast, you think of the past. Suddenly everything has changed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE2vidProeY

"The Heart of Life" - John Mayer (Continuum)

why? I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear, so turn off your tears and listen. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way it should, but i know the heart of life is good. You know it's nothing new, bad news never had good timing. But then the circle of your friends, will defend the silver lining. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No it won't all go the way it should, but i know the heart of life is good. Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. Fear is a friend who's misunderstood, but I know the heart of life is good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4m71L2oAT4

"Everlong" - The Foo Fighters (The Colour and the Shape)

why: And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again. The only thing I'll ever ask of you, you've got to promise not to stop when I say when. She sang: breathe out, so I could breathe you in. Hold you in, and now I know you've always been, out of your head, out of my head I sang.

"Jack and Diane" - John Mellencamp (The Best That I Could Do)

why: Little ditty, about Jack and Diane: two American kids growin' up in the heartland. Jacky goin' be a football star, Diane's debutante; backseat of Jacky's car. Suckin' on chili dog outside the Tastee Freeze, Diane sittin' on Jacky's lap, got his hands between her knees. Jacky say, "Hey Diane, let's run off hind' shady tree," dribble off those Bobby Brooks slacks, now do what I please. Say, oh yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of livin is gone. Say, oh yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. They walk on. Jacky sits back, collects his thoughts for the moment. Scratches his head and does his best James Dean. Well then there and Diane, gotta run off to the city, Diane says "Baby, you ain't missin' nothing." Jacky say, Oh yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. Oh yeah they say life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. Little ditty, about Jack and Diane: two American kids doin' best they can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QT9tpKXFd8A

"Empty" - Ray Lamontange (Till the Sun Turns Black)

She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing. I never learned to count my blessings, I choose instead to dwell in my disasters. Lay your blouse across the chair. Let fall the flowers from your hair, and kiss me with that country mouth so plain. Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves, to me it sounds like they're applauding us the quiet love we've made.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIUSikXex5w

"9 Crimes (Studio Cover)" - Chris MacDonald (Studio Sessions)

why: Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do. It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you. It's the wrong time for somebody new. It's a small crime, and I've got no excuse. Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do. It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you. It's the wrong time, she's pulling me through. It's a small crime, and I've got no excuse. Is that alright with you? Give my gun away when it's loaded. Is that alright with you? If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it. Is that alright with you? Give my gun away when it's loaded is that alright with you? With you...no.

http://www.myspace.com/macdonaldmusic

another week ends.

another week ends, and i can barely recall what has occurred or what i have accomplished. until the winter ends, i will continue going through the motions, sustaining a respectable life until i can once again shine in the summer sun.

i made it to all of my classes this week, excepting choir, which i quit. too many conflicts of interest arising in one room for me. also, the break in the middle of my treacherous schedule on monday, wednesday and friday was much needed.

all of my homework was completed, and in a dignified manner. i expect good grades in return for the hard work i put in on all of my assignments. being completely prepared for class, and being in my seat each time i was expected paired together to form a great sense of accomplishment.

i am still behind on my stories for the paper, i just can not seem to find the drive to get them done. writing feature stories about bland subjects for a readerless paper can get monotonous after awhile. however, i have now reached my credits requirements for the semester, which came as a surprise. the simple fact that i fell like i have done nothing for the paper this semester while completing all that is technically expected of my is a curious concept.

the next issue of the changing times is behind schedule, and the new format is proving to be quite difficult to get completed. the aesthetic benefits of the overhaul are worthwhile, that much i am sure of. the new spreads, the new design elements and the new approach are going to be worth the time and effort if i could only find either.

all i have been listening to this week is encompassed in the following albums:
"End Hits" - Fugazi
"In on the Kill Taker" - Fugazi
"Instrument Soundtrack" - Fugazi
"Red Medicine" - Fugazi
"Steday Diet of Nothing" - Fugazi
"Repeater + 3 Songs" - Fugazi
"Damaged" - Black Flag
"Slip it In" - Black Flag
"TV Party Ep" - Black Flag
"Family Man" - Black Flag
"The Ugly Organ" - Cursive
"Domestica" - Cursive
"Till the Sun Turns Black" - Ray Lamontange
"Out of Step" - Minor Threat
"Energy" - Operation Ivy
"Doolittle" - The Pixies
"Bossanova" - The Pixies
"Lifted or the Story is in the Soil, Keep Your ear to the Ground" - Bright Eyes

if it's not on there, it really hasn't been bumping.

things to do this weekend: go to work tonight, stop by remi's later, attend nicole's birthday party, go to follies, clean room, clean car, study for math test monday, finish letter to the editor, send kelsey some sort of letter, and do ethics homework.

well, i'm off to get started. thanks for wasting your time.

zephyr.

i'm drifting back out to sea i suppose.

charting new courses for different avenues.

it's been twice now i've seen the sun set in your eyes.

the fire gone, the flame still hoping for breath.

it won't get it.

at least not here.

a breath could stoke the coals.

build them back up.

i've lost all the air i have to breathe for you.

caught in long winded apologies that were never justified.

as you ran off with other boys, i bid my time.

slowly i started making plans to make a break out to sea.

i checked the coordinates against the stars,

while you your shadow danced on other walls.

no you will simply tell me not to go.

your expectations should prompt you to scream.

they will not.

so i will walk away again.

you will suppose that i will turn around soon.

i've catching a zephyr through the next fortnight.

i hope to find another you.

someone that sets the fire in my eyes.

as i did for you.

a girl with the sunshine streaking her hair.

then i will be enough for her, just as i am.

she will be enough for me.

and we will live out the end of our days.

reread.

i have been spending so much time with my studies this semester. reading and rereading passages from text books, because i can never seem to grasp the concept the first time through. this has been especially true in my ethics class. the thoughts of aristotle, plato, immanuel kant, and most recently ayn rand have been all swirling in my head, polluting my thoughts.

each night i sit down and carefully read through the passages penned by these great thinkers and struggle to care in the slightest. even ayn rand, a personal favorite, couldn't captivate my train of thought for longer than a few miles. i just read and reread until my mind goes blank, attempting to learn the lessons that are required of me.

maybe it isn't me, there is a great deal of outside force taking precedence in my life right now. a full slate of classes, an occupying job, an editorship on a newspaper, running the changing times and writing music for a new project are all constantly weighing down my shoulders these days.

i derive great joy from all of these pursuits, and looking from someone else's shoes into my own life, i am pleased with what i see. a year ago, my slate of activities included grocery shopping at the dollar tree, watching pulp fiction several times, skipping classes and making rap music in fruity loops. i can pleasantly look at myself and with astonishment realize that i have taken the right steps to be not only back on track, but ahead of many others who were there all along.

i am painstakingly wading through the looming decisions, attempting to make a decision as to where i should next pack up and move to. i want to find an environment where i can be successful, content, interested and productive.

over the past week i attended the iowa newspaper association's conference at the des moines marriot on the west end of downtown. there i decided that i will not go to drake. i met several individuals from the program, and all though they are all interesting and successful people, i am now certain that i would not enjoy myself in that setting.

i still hold a great love for our capital city, the easy pace paired with bustling traffic keep me both at ease and in good spirits. there are so many things that spark my interest from the vibe of court avenue all the way up to the cool kids hanging at the haunted basement. des moines is a city i can be comfortable in while still encouraging positive changes within myself.

with drake out of the question, grand view has recently been added to my short list of possibilities. i met the head of their journalism program at the conference, and he seemed intent on selling me on grand view. i would be able to major in graphic journalism, which would make me a more viable contender in today's tough newspaper industry, another concern that has been weighing on my thoughts as of late.

i have now applied, and once i am accepted, i will take a long hard look at things. i have no desire to live on campus, and with grand view only ten blocks from the corner of sixth and corning, i would be able to live close to good shows and good people.

i will have to see how it develops.

oh, yeah, and there are girl problems, concerns, and other atrocities that i have no interest in thinking about let alone writing about at the moment.

listening to -

"never went to church" - the streets (the hardest way to make an honest living)

"lesson learned" - ray lamontange (till the sun turns black)

....a bunch more ray lamontange on shuffle.

IT'S A CROCK!

i want to scream.

something dark and deep, an explosion of air being compressed between my lungs and mouth as it shatters my vocal chords.

is it really that different?

they are all going to laugh when i lay bloodied in the street again.

an outline drawn in wasted words and hope filled words.

"i really think things are different this time," words that have often been on my tongue lately.

right now they are making me foam at the mouth and choke on my own ignorance.

maybe i'm over reacting.

maybe i'm not.

i know you are lying, i can see it from forty miles and a fortnight.

"you're in my web now, i've come to wrap you up tight until it's time to bite down."

i just got bit.

the venom is seething through my veins and making me go out of my mind.

i'm really just tired of all of it, this stupid act.

do you really need the attention darling?

how many boys hearts do you have to hold before you are content?

i wish for some reason my love could be enough for. i wish it would fill you, and for once your mind would be at ease.

i want to cover you in quiet comfort. i want to make it all okay.

so i try and fail, and try and fail, and then you use me simply to make yourself feel better.

IT'S A CROCK!

i know it too.

i just really don't have the intelligence in me to let it go.

listening to:

"i've been eating for you" - bright eyes (noise floor)

"let's not shit ourselves (to love and be loved" - bright eyes (lifted)

"the recluse" - cursive (the ugly organ)

"see you next tuesday" - the acacia strain (the dead walk)