run dry.

i feel completely left behind.

i have been, and i did it to myself. while all the first year college students were hard at work in midwestern classrooms last spring, i was wasting time. maybe not wasting. the jury is still out in my mind on that exact spring. i learned many things that have struggled applying to my day to day life. lessons learned that now are viewed as truth in my mind's eye, but are not put into practice on a daily basis.

as i catch up with old friends, it seems they all are off on grand adventures that over shadow my small town iowa existance. spain, romania, the nedtherlands, china, japan, austrailia and everywhere else seem to be under the heels of my former peers. as they cross language and custom barriers, i struggle to live within my own native system.

i no longer procrastinate. i do put things off, but with no intention of ever doing them. i simply wait for them to become irrelevant and then find away around the obstacle. this is a horrible plan of action that only leads to failure. i have field tested it several times in the last month and countless times in my life time. however, i still implement it each and everyday to some aspect of my life.

i am not ready to grow up. i do not even begin to think that i know what it would take. maybe i do, i'm just not ready to admit the sacrifices that need to be made. i have and remain unwilling to spend my last night in the nursery for some reason unknown to me. it is starting to wear me thin.

i want an escape route that leads to nowhere. i want a break. more than anything though, i want a second first chance. second chances are terrible. they are constantly riddled with inspection and correction, others forcing their way into your life to save you in some way or another. i want the undiluted expectations, and the ability i should have gained by now to reach them. there are no second first chances, and to everyone i encounter, i am starting to look like a failure.

i have nothing else to say. my thoughts have run dry.