between you and i.

i'm going to let you down. i'm going to fail. these dreams are too perfect. they scratch at the back door of my mind like a famished house cat. do not mistake me dear, i do love you, however, it is nearly impossible for me to see the light. too many other lovers, too many changes, too many disappointments. the problem with living up to a plan, a dream, is that life is in constant motion, dreams are often times still. a photograph, a painting, an expression of a hopeful future recollection. we will never live up to it. it is hard for me to admit, largely due to the simple fact that this has always been my fault. the broken pegs in the machine have always been my doing, my sabotage. it's an atrocity. i have no idea what lurks deep inside me that always forces my hands of the chessboard of this romance to choose differently, choose away from you. so many summers ago it happened, but it was okay, because you were already technically occupied with another. a little over a year ago, history repeated itself, and once again, there was already another to try and fill the space i would have carved for myself. you were able to pick yourself up because there was very little room to fall in the first place.

"lately i've been wishing i had one desire, something that would make me never want another, something that would make it so that nothing mattered, all would be clear then."

i can never seem to get to the point where i view you as my most viable option in life. i can pick this apart in seconds, tearing it to shreds in my own head. our idealistic and youthful exuberance that we are pinning our dreams on will falter. it always does. there is a fault line between you and i, and whenever we get to close, the world shakes and trembles. buildings pitch and sway as children scream in the streets. well, maybe in a less dramatic fashion, however, i am sure you have recognized and accepted my point.

i never will lose you. i keep you quietly in my heart, a perfect dream, a perfect composition. however, i have no faith in the actual apparatus of us as a functioning pair within society. i will always care for you darling, from a distance, in my ways. i have loved you, dear, in my fashion, but that will never be the answer you are looking for. that will never be the comfort you need. i will never be what you really need.

shhhh! listening to:

"worldwide" - conor oberst & the mystic valley band (outer south)

"baron" - johnny cash (baron)

"the legend of john henry's hammer" - johnny cash (blood, sweat & tears)

"snake hill" - conor oberst & the mystic valley band (outer south)