it's 11:10 and i'm wishing for spring

"there has to be a place better than this in heaven."

i just don't understand why the human concept of thought demands that we constantly long for things we don't have. 2pac said those words when he recorded thugz mansion in 1994. he was on top of the world, and yet not content. somedays i think all i need in life is a little green, a 40 of but heavy, a pack of reds, and a deck, just free from the dreams that make everyone convulse and twitch in the dark. then there are the moments where i want it all, the entire world, a meterial vision that makes me sick. why are we programmed to think this way? no one needs 249,999 dollars a year, a house with nine bedrooms, or six cars to survive. it's all a weak concept. i think it will all be so much more clear when the winter passes and the life returns to my bones. everything so much easier when the weather finally breaks allowing the ability to pass time in places other than in front of artificial monitors. i want to walk on the green grass and just pass the day. it's 11:10 and i'm wishing for spring. i hope it works.




listening to:
"Thugz Mansion NY" - Nas
"My Book of Rhymes" - Nas
"Star Wars" - Nas
"Tick Tock" - Alchemist
"Mo' Money, Mo' Murder" - Nas

someone has pulled the plug on my bathtub

often i use this as a place to vent my attempts at prose, but not right now. i feel empty all of a sudden, like someone has pulled the plug on my bathtub. one minute full of steaming, soapy water, the next an empty basin. lately i have been vacantly scanning my life for things that make me unhappy, unsuccessfully, for the first time in my life. however, i feel as if i was viewing the photograph with too narrow a lens, now i have gained a broader perspective. maybe it's the lack of sleep or maybe it's something else. i think i've grown numb. the sedatives we each choose make life too easy to watch slide by. i remember the days when we would climb buildings, scream our lungs out to thursday, go to garage sales, and just find things to entertain our growing minds. now i spend my life behind the wheel, parked, watching it all drift by. i want to be free. i feel like everything in life has been leading me here, the place where i split. right now it's as if i have two sides, which may be a gift from my bipolar, or maybe it's just the way things are, i really don't know. there is the side of me that longs to be free, longs to spend the rest of my days skating with an amazing beard, covered in tattoos, a forty in one hand, a cigarette in the other, tearing this small town apart. then there is the side of me that wants to grow up. cut the beard and the hair, wear a suit, fallow the american dream. i don't know, i don't know anything any more. don't count on me unless you're counting me out, and even then don't be so sure.


listening to:
fool in the photograph - sunny day real estate
subterranean homesick alien - radiohead
empires between us - the skies we built
the push game - sherwood
ann arbor - the get up kids
no children - the mountain goats
shield your eyes - jawbreaker
paint's peeling - rilo kiley