oath built to keep her

it's a groggy new found self-reliance that has forced me back here once again. i will sit and display meaningless thoughts and contaminated phrases for no one in particular, and only one person in general. at various intervals i compose symphonies of syllables that are only for the ears of one, but she is the phantom that never will glance across these pages. i am a wraith on this evening, i am departing from this body as i have on so many other occasions. i watch myself make selfless actions for the one i love without compromise, but to no avail or purpose. i have transformed myself so many times like a wandering chameleon just so that her eyes would notice and that her heart would possibly take note. so now i'm cutting out a rough new set of guidelines by which to live my life, a new systematic approach to discovering the vastness that has emptied and left me soulless. i have been living a life entirely empty, drained out of all semblance of my former self. this needed to happen, this is the sentencing for the trial of a criminal. i am that criminal, and so is she, and we both have proven our guilt so many times that the numbers no longer matter. just the fact that the small crimes multiplied have equaled our demise tonight. we endeavor to play off into the darkness with a fond goodbye and mutual choice, but that has never been a mechanical progress or solution. several hours from now i will be tracing the firm plastic of her cell phone number wishing we hadn't taken this new found vow of silence, while wishing she thought the same. however, with these two hundred miles and an oath built to keep her from my mind, i know they only thing going unmissed is me. the little meaning i once held has vanished, vanquished by so many other men much stronger and more noble than i. so i feel in the darkness for another fix, an apartment, a mattress, and another swallow of vodka, what it took the last time. now my veins are screaming for her touch, and there will not be a remedy. this is the with drawl from my greatest drug, this is my agony.