shy glance faded

lately i have been intoxicated nightly and stimulated into the writing process by a simple melody entitled nine crimes. this day, of all days, i am mentioning it for the fact that today it seems applicable to my thought process. as the sun sets on a day i saw it rise, i am left to suffer and contemplate that this is the sundown of the end of a chapter of my personal novel. each man holds a history inside his hands, etched in lines, marked in memories that someday he will crawl six feet down and hide from the ages. i have not the slightest inkling of where the page of my own tall tale is turning, but however, i have felt the sysmic shift that has signaled its arrival. i have gained the realization that i am a brilliant actor, but a horrible man. for fifteen or so calander turnings i have been playing roles assigned by an unlikely director. a young, shy, innocent seeming girl took me captive inside those big brown eyes, trapped inside jars to view the outside world. there she has kept my heart, and tonight i have decided to slink off into the dark and search the four winds until a new one can be bartard for or stolen. throughout the course of this production the director has shifted. the once feeble seeming, lost hearted, and needing girl has transformed into a harlot. the shy glance has faded to the brash words of no consequence, where once elegance spouted as though from a fountain. the girl i fell for on half bridges and whole hearts is now a young women i detest. she has taken me prisoner, not in the physical sense, but she has drained and captured everything that was once living behind this broken and bleeding exterior. she lays a simple kiss on another's lips and still manges to querry as to why i have grown billigerent and senile. she is my world, she was my savior. when i crawled from the decreped, powder and razor mirrored darkness, she held together the pieces of shattered glass. now she has broken me down to use as childrens jewlery or lawn decoration. so i must find what i can that remains of my former self and embark for a new light to find out of the darkness. i journey to find a new light and cause.