hope is an empty handed friend.

right now i am at a physical loss for words. i am crying for the first time in months. i am out of breath and long on empty promises. i am going to forget you. right now. you are dead to me, and i to you. forget all of my words, forget all of my promises, you have already taken yours back. hope is an empty handed friend.

wolves descend so fast on sunny days

this is an empty nonfleeting feeling. i've been knocked to the canvas again. i'm hurt right now. wolves descend so fast on sunny days, there no longer fear the light and hide in the shadows. fuck insomnia. i left myself vulnerable and right now i feel as though it was all for nothing. words escape me. i just feel like crying, for a long time, just because it might make me feel better. i'm a fucking wreck. not even an hour ago i was content, smiling, hoping, and confident. it has slipped through my hands like grain through the hands of a harvester. fuck trust. fuck vulnerability. fuck laying yourself on the line. fuck hope. fuck feeling empty. fuck nicotine. fuck feeling whole. fuck dreaming. fuck forgetting. fuck anything that matters. right now your smile could make it better, but you have no interest in showing it to me. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck times a million, the only thing playing on repeat through my head and running through my brains. you have broken my trust, and it hurts.

i see hope inside her eyes

an uneasiness is setting in. it is as though i am sitting on my porch, looking out over the green fields, storm on the horizon, cigarette in hand, wondering which will shake me worse, the carcinogens or the thunder. i see hope inside her eyes, but i wonder if it is just mistaken, a handful of dying dandelions that that will be spread with the wind to choke out and destroying other thriving plants. she consoles me, but fails to recognize what the quintessential moments are under this ever unkempt stubble. she can not be expected to replace what is lost, especially on such a brief time schedule, but she is carefully filling the gaps god left vacant between my rigid fingers. right now i am not thinking in a conscious stream, more like water slowly prickling through a crack in a concrete fortress, soon the water will wash over everything, either ravaging the countryside or washing it clean. right now i need her, right now i need this, and it is so unfair to her. i can not ask her to take this shell of man and make something out of it. my dreams flicker out like streetlamps, and my words fall short of what comes to mind. i need something, and it may not be her. i have lost my grip and have stumbled into a free fall.

"don't worry, i'll catch you."

i need to take a holiday, but where can you escape yourself? i feel as though i do not belong at the crossroads i find myself at, each vainly extending path leading to ruin or shame. this must be the retribution for my squandered youth, the haphazard punishment for long forgotten sins. i see the diamonds slowly trickling down through the frail hourglass, this time we have wasted has come at a great cost. i am the forgotten vaudeville star on an empty stage, washed from the limelight by unfaithful eyes. so many nights i have wished to be uncompromisingly loved and accepted by those who have found favor in these fading blue eyes, to no avail or purpose. i am jack's forgotten friend. i often half heartedly contemplate if i am writing these over extended words to anyone in particular. we are a flawed generation, our existence outlined in glowing monitors and empty orange pill cases. we are taught not to show that we care, but still do it immensely, for if we all were to show our true colors the others may not find us acceptable of charismatic. i am reaching for the bottom, with the hope of salvation, knowing whole heartedly that i will come out empty handed once again. what does it fucking take to make it out of here? i am trapped. i always blamed that sleeping midwestern town and those beautiful trapping brown eyes, but the problems have always been deep inside this tumultuous arrangement of veins and organs. i am fading quickly now, to quick to catch, but i always took those words as truth, "don't worry, i'll catch you."

like the old melody goes

fogotten friends,
i hate when things end,
just can't let you go,
a thought of you but not a picture,
so there's nothing left to show

what is it about me that just won't let me let you go entirely. i have caught myself dreaming about you the last three nights, and then waking up heartbroken in the morning, you having passed like a ship in the night. how have you permeated every molecule of my being? i miss you, right now more than ever.