undecided.

i am as of yet still undecided. i have shown my cards and played committed, but i still linger in that space just between her grasp and mine.
i can't fathom what will push me closer, but the things she does and says are throwing me away from her. i can't help it.
we are very different. maybe too different. as wild and crazy of a kid as i have been, i have no exploits to rival the things she does each night as i watch in a nervous mix of anxiety and embarrassment. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
she makes me think how much better you are. you would be. without even a second thought or trying.
i want so desperately to fall in love with a beautiful girl. my american dream. most people's american dream. i can't make it happen.
the good ones, i let them go. i let them go the easiest. the ones i walk away from everyday, just to sit behind a tear-soaked steering wheel wondering why i don't just make it work. break the habits. make a commitment. show someone that i really do care. i do. i could never say it enough. i might not ever let it escape my lips, but i do.
i think about you for parts of everyday. that may not be the dream of can't get you off my mind, head over heels, but when i think about my future you are always a shadow. a silent hope. something i hope will come around someday and we will be able to put away the excuses. i will be able to put away the excuses. you have been good. maybe even great.
i have been terrible. i have walked all over you. for months churning into years. i have never made up my mind about you, and i think you take that for dislike.
you are a daunting decision. i am scared to make it. deep down i know that if we both made that choice, that would be it. no more girls, no more nights, just you and me. the older i get the more right it sounds.
that scares the shit out of me.
i know because i have seen it. glimpses, moments. night's at gabe's, nights at the lake, and thousands of nights finding comfort in your words.
the truth is, to up to right now it has never worked. maybe i am daft to keep hope alive. maybe i am just right. i miss you.