unknown.

currently i have encountered yet another cross roads. maybe that is all life is, a series of intersections where we choose where we go until we end up where we have ended up.
i hope not.
i feel exhausted, and no relief is coming soon. it's falling off, getting repetitive. i want to be gone, but there is no where i would rather be. not that i enjoy being here. i can not help but feeling lost. well, maybe not lost, just confused. not confused though. for once i am struggling to but this into words.
mason city is not where i want to be. i see it as a platform that will lead to some greater good. a larger adventure. however, i have no idea what that cause is. i am currently waiting in the wings. eager to escape, but at the same time needing so much more rest for weary bones.
pella is not where i want to be. that chapter has closed for at least the next few years. i can not afford to go back there and repeat the lessons that i should have learned long ago.
i have no desire to see the world today. no desire to seek the sun on the western shores or scream victoriously at the top of mountains.
i want some solace. i want the piece of mind i have not been getting lately. i think i have fallen off the face of the earth. i am a ghost hovering just above the trees, watching the lives of others play out as a real and known presence. i am seen, discussed, but unknown. it is a very hollow feeling i must admit.
the passions of my youth have failed me. no burning passion takes charge of my head to wipe away the anguish and suffering. i have no desire to write the songs, dream the dreams, or find the midwest sleeping.
i want rest. i want a village in the hills soaked with sun to dry my thoughts. as i have been re-reading the great epics of my youth, i have been finding different meanings. darker intonations to the once inspiring journeys of holden, jack, and nick. it is frightening.
i seem to be fading with the rising sun.