lost my head.

i don't feel much of anything anymore,
of that much i have become certain.
all the days have become smeared, heavy glass privacy blocks in a bathroom mirror.
you see, with the post winter christmas blues sweeping through the population, there is little variation left inside these hallow weeks.
i keep turning over a concept in my mind.
i keep wanting to put a ring on her finger.
that idea is terrible.
she would never be faithful. she would never be anything more than she is now.
a distant dream, an accomplished goal, a helpless failure.
i still think about it several times everyday.
carefully plotting finances just in case she changes my mind.
she really doesn't need to, every second i spend with her, i would do it in an instant.
her words always convey it with a breath of fantasy.
"we should run away and get married."
i would call you dear, you would call me darling and we would forget our names.
there would be a house, and a puppy, and a garden that would turn to mush when the rains wash the earth in the early spring.
i would do repairs on the house and cars, you would patronize the children.
in the morning i could wear a suit and sip my coffee before i stagger out the door into the sunlight.
then i would find out the truth, the same way i always have.
women's whispers and men's hard glances; both screaming "how does he not notice?"
i do notice though.
that is why marrying her would be a terrible idea.
however, that's really all my mind keeps contemplating.
"once you lose trust, you lose sincerity."
that is true for her, false for me.
that's why i get caught up in it. i could never lie to her. if i did every time i saw her my cheeks would burn red with guilt.
i bite at her words hungrily. any conversation carefully digested and reworked over a thousand hours.
my alarm clock hasn't been working.
it's okay though, i haven't been sleeping. i haven't been doing anything as far as i remember.
just living out someone else's life from a few feet above the ground.
i really don't want anything at this exact moment. here are the things i can immediately dismiss: cigarettes, sleep, coffee, oatmeal, ice cream, any other food product, hours in front of the television, a good book, a 40 oz. bud heavy, new music, company, to be alone, and anything else that has come to my mind in the last hour.
i am restless, but not like i used to be. i need the open road, but right now it sounds unwelcoming.
sometimes, when i really run through all the options of what is going on, what will be going on, and what will happen to me possibly in future, i really don't want anything.
i guess i would enjoy some rest. however, sleep does not sound appealing.
i have been waking up more tired than i was when i feel asleep as of late.
by rest i mean that i would love to be able to spend every waking and unwaking moment for the rest of my time in a hammock, partially shaded, alone with my thoughts.
that is all i could really enjoy right now.
the lack of sun in these winter months has been making me feel artificial.
more machine than man in a sense i suppose.
everything organic fades away.
life is a series of artificial light, processed food, and manufactured climate conditions.
no man would survive this upper midwestern winter on his own.
that's why everyone loses their head inside the winter months.
we are all supposed to be dead in this climate, and our bodies know it. go lay face down in the snow for three hours if you don't believe me.
it's getting harder to care at all. about anything.
i hope the morning finds me in better spirits. it will not.
i hope the night takes it easy on me for once. too many thoughts circling my head.
i need an out. i need a change.
like a new form. a new life as something else.
i want to be the grain dancing in the wind on the hillside.
i want to be the tallest pine in the rocky mountain sunshine.
i want something.
however, as i pace my thoughts again, i want nothing.
i've lost my head.