this propensity for courage is failing me

i fear for the worst right now. did i really just let the love of my life walk out the door? i assume that everyday for the rest of my life i'm going to look back on this time period and wonder if the right thing really was to walk away. i feel so alone. i love her. more than i ever thought i could love anything. this propensity for courage is failing me. all i ever wanted for so long was someone who i could love and would in return have their love. i never realized i had found that here until i decided to walk away. i know she is dishonest. i know it feels like i'm a number all the time. i also know that in my heart there is nothing that shines as pure as when she smiles and tells me how much she needs me. i wonder if all these promises to visit one another, all the misguided words will all turn up emptyhanded at the end of the day. i love her so much. it has been killing me for the last week to know that i am the source of her tears, and it has hurt so much worse that there is nothing i can do. i have to go back. i have to go to where home used to be and show myself that i can survive there without caroline. i let her take my world from me, and now i'm going to go and take it all back. however, maybe that's what i'm supposed to learn from all of this, that hannah is so much better, so much nicer, so much better for me, and yet i'm going to leave her crying in my wake. i feel terrible. what can i do? nothing. there is no emergency stop on this train, and it will roll away from here in a few days time, and there she will be on the platform of my life, forever waving my goodbye, laying a kiss on my lips, telling me to return soon. everyday for the rest of my life i will be fighting my way back to you, rest assured. i love you today, i will love you tomorrow, and don't plan on having a minister ask if anyone has any objections as long as i'm not standing across from you, for i will be the individual bursting through the heavy oak doors of the church to profess my unfading love for you. that's what this is all about. i may walk the aisle with someone else, but i'm always going to wish it were you standing there, holding my hands, whispering i do's in front of our families. i love you hannah, more than you can imagine.