on my way.

if you think it hard enough, it really will happen. good or bad, up or down. three years ago i decided to die. it didn't take long. everything changed. my parents moved away, i changed up the friends and girlfriends, and i completely altered all my goals (or got rid of them). it wasn't exactly a conscious decision, i just thought it was a passing down sort of way to spend the days. sitting drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, watching life pass me by and claiming that i was living. well, at first i kidded that i was dead, but quickly realized i was lying about it. then it happened. i should have eaten my words before they ever escaped my mouth. i lived through the songs, the books, the words of others. the stories that said so much about life experience, so much about being free, so much about doing it a different way. i spent the nights with the needle pressing on the saddle creek 50 and tipping back absolute from a dirty water glass. i wanted to fall in love so i could fall out of love. i wanted to run away, i wanted to drop out, i wanted to be a rebel. i wanted to play rock and roll, i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and dance in the rain. i forced myself through the other things, the mind alteration that it would take to be able to talk to the more learned "individuals" with confidence. i faked my way through everything, i lied, i cheated, i stole. not for personal gain, for the ability to be able to say i had done it. i threw away thousands of dollars on driving to shows, buying equipment, pressing cds and making t-shirts. i drove fast just to break the law. i stayed up all night for days on end when all i wanted was to sleep, just so i could tell people during the day that i stayed up all night. i drank thirty cups of coffee just so i could see people as they walked through the row, just so i could tell them that i had drank thirty cups of coffee. i used to hate the taste of coffee. i used to hate the bands i went to see. i used to hate everything i claimed to love.

it's all over now. it broke through. i have no idea when it happened. well, maybe i do, but that is a subject of great debate in my mind currently. i realized what i want. i realized what it takes to get it. i realized that i'm on my way.