an explination.

i have an excuse, but then again, i always do. you will see through it. you always do. anyway, the excuse:

friday night my telephone died. as soon as i was able, i plugged it in and texted you back. you never responded, which i thought odd because you never sleep.

now that you are still just as angry, or hurt, or disappointed, or whatever else in the spectrum of emotion you are feeling at this moment, i have something for you.

after these last four years and all my miserable failures trying to shape up and treat you how you deserve, it will not mean much. hopefully, it will mean enough.

i apologize.

yet again. i feel like i am always apologizing to you, but i do always mean it with sincerity because one day i will learn my lesson.

one day i will make it all up to you, or at least as much as possible.

you think i'm lying. however, there is nothing i believe more than that.

everytime i let you down it does hurt. i think about you for a vast portion of each and every day. coffee, cigarettes, bright eyes albums, photographs, and basically anything else that i fiercely love, i tie to you. i can't help it. all the things i love most in this world show me a reflection of you.

as these thoughts of you pass through my head, i often sit in silent wonder at why there are even there.

i have come to several conclusions:

1. you scare me terribly. not in a nightmare on elmstreet way, and unlike any fear i have ever come across.
2. i miss being around you. honestly, if i had half the chance, i would want to be around you every second of everyday. geographic and other such circumstances have always prevented this. however, i realize how much you mean to me, and i wish i was a good enough man to actually put in the work and make the distance unimportant.
3. i honestly can not help it.

(end of list for sake of time)

lauren,

we never say the things we mean to say, especially to each other. as two people so gifted with words, you think we would someday find a way around that. i have never stopped holding out for that someday.
when i think about the way things have gone, i am ashamed of myself, simply because better men would see you for what you are. something worth more than my two hands a beating heart.
we go around and around in circles, a cyclical life that seems to find no breaking point. for four years now this has gone on without stopping. i can not see it ever fully stopping, whenever you are too far from me, i have always done my best to bring you back within a manageable distance. i can't see a day coming where that will stop.
i can say that you have been there for me more than anyone. if i have ever needed an open ear, you have listened. more importantly, you have cared.
now, you know me as well as anyone. you know how to make me smile, cringe, scream, cry, and respond to you, and more importantly you can see right through me.
i love that more about you than anything else, and that might be why things are so difficult between us. you can tear me apart limb from limb anytime you choose. no one can break me down like you can, and for some reason i find that incredible.
i am scared of you. i am scared of us. i am scared of me.
i am scared of you because you have potential. when i talk to you or see you, i know that someday everything with us should be right. when i think about my life to come, i always hope that somewhere everything will work out and we will be in the same place. then, without hesitation, i would fall head over heels for you. most days, for a brief second, i already am. i am scared of you because for years i can still talk to you. i can still find you fascinating. i can still want to be with you.
i am scared of us because on paper it should work. we have similar ambitions in life, similar tastes in most everything, and have chemistry. i know that. i know that us together would signal a major change in my life permanently. the lost boy in me is afraid because you mean growing up. it wouldn't work any other way. someday, somewhere in the future, i will accept growing up, and you will be what i want.
i am scared of me because i am bound to screw this up. i sabotage myself all the time. i try to make changes and don't follow through. i make promises and break them. i fail with everything when it comes to you, and i'm afraid that i always will.
just know i care about you.

kevin