more words that won't matter.

(this is a response)

you are right again my dear, calling faults and exposing the weaknesses that have always been there behind my eyes. you couldn't be more correct in some aspects, for i have led you astray intentionally on so many pitiful occasions.
i have said similar words to dissimilar faces, diluting and poisoning the taste of each and every syllable until they no longer have any effect.
the same words though? never.
i have never had the gall to disillusion you to that extent. there has never been any bad intention in my actions, just improper perspective and misguided thinking.
this has never been a game with me. that word in fact made me cringe each and every time you rewrote it. for a game to be constructed, there must be rules and competition, two elements lacking from this long winded epic.
we have both played by a sort of rules i suppose, a silent code penned through careful silent negotiation. at times we have both kept our distance. at times we have both been the one at fault. at times we have both been utterly wrong.
you say i have never been there for you, and i suppose that may be true. however, when did you ever come to me? there have always been other boys, other friends, other comforts for your weary soul. i have never been held to the responsibility of being your shoulder to cry on, and i would relish the opportunity.
when you talk about my meandering dreams of somedays, you are correct. i have no idea what is going to happen as the calender turns and the sun sets on each day. however, you are once again mistaken on one point.
for years i have taken you for granted, i have been despicable. i have been wavering in my judgements and promises. i have made plans and broken them. i have had dreams and have seen them washed away by the tides of age and responsibility. where your lapse in judgement lies is in your precept ion of my current state of mind. i already realize i should be there. i already realize that i should have been there all along.
it has been a long road for me to grow up and see the errors of my way. it has taken time and self-inspection, but finally, after many unsuccessful attempts, i can say that i have changed in measurable ways. you are not around to see it. you would be proud. honestly, you would.
you can not choose who wonders across your thoughts. otherwise, this all would have ended years ago. you are locked inside of my memory and flash across my eyes more often than anyone i have ever had the opportunity of meeting. fairness would grant that you return the favor. even if you quit thinking of me, i would never stand for it. by now, you should realize that.
you have in fact been good to me. as good as anyone. better in fact. i have never meant to walk all of you, and i have never viewed it in such a way. i have never meant to use you, i have never meant to hurt you. i have simply lived selfishly in all aspects for the majority of our relationship with one another. when i look back, i don't see this as clearly as you do, for i never saw it in that light previously. i wish i could understand.
i have run from you. i have run from most good things in this life at one time or another. i have often embraced the worst of habits and forfeited the important things. you are no exception. i run from you because i know that if i stay, i will never be able to leave. you are a trap for me. one brilliantly laid that has ensnared me on many occasions, only to see me run away. i want to be with you, but to be with you is to forfeit all the other girls, all the other nights, all the other empty feelings. i am closer to a point where that is no longer intimidating. i have measured a thousand women against you, and have come to the realization that none of them will ever measure up. i say that in all honesty. there has never been anyone i have had stronger feelings for deep inside my chest. i could live and die with you. i have been coming to grips with that lately and the longer i contemplate it, the truer it rings between my ears.
i may be many terrible and disgusting things, but i am not a coward. you have my open ears if you care to unburden yourself, you have my thoughts to bring you solace. i have never unjustly laid blame upon your shoulders, you have been scared, vague and weak. so have i. i apologize eternally for that. people are all of those things. you bring it out in me more than most. i have been prideful. i have been conceited. i have been despicable. i have been corrupt, misguided and cruel. i never meant to be. i was young and blind. i never had a chance to see what was at hand. i have nothing really to offer that hasn't been there all along. i just have a lot of things that i have worked on, slowly bettering myself through lessons painfully learned. someday you will see this. it will be at your door. much sooner than you anticipate. there is no more point in negligence for me. i will be coming around. for the first time, this is real for me.



listening to -

we are nowhere and it's now - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
old soul song - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
lua - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
train underwater - bright eyes (im wide awake, it's morning)
expo '86 - d.c.f.c. (transatlanticism)
transatlanticism - d.c.f.c. (transatlanticism)
there is so much more - brett dennen (so much more)
fig tree - brett dennen (so much more)