this year i will not be making a series of hopeful new year's resolutions. they have a tendency to control my actions, preventing me from making good on any of them. instead, i will be making some observations, recording some heartfelt hopes, and laying out some of my fears i suppose. this is a look at how i am currently viewing the year to come.
this year is going to hold some major challenges. the completion of my first college degree, a transition of locations, a major step out on my own, a new start at a new college, and many other daunting tasks that are about to be put to hand.
my time at niacc will close with the spring semester. i never dreamed i would be back here, attempting to graduate. now, i can see it just around the corner. i will not say that i am going to miss this place, but i will have enjoyed my second go around. this semester should hold many exciting challenges in the classroom, on the paper, and with my peers. i am participating in a block schedule on monday, wednesday, and friday; while completely avoiding class on tuesday and thursday. this should prove an interesting social and academic experience for me, and i look forward to conquering it with pinash and style. i will finish strong at niacc, something i am very proud to say and know to be true.
also this spring, there will be other challenges while i stay here. i must make careful preparations for my arrival in the capital city. when i move, i would like to be fully equipped, ready to put together a place i can be proud of and call my own. i will not tolerate being unprepared and living in squalor and confusion as i sort out my living situation.
the move to des moines in may is a daunting challenge. the city will provide the energy to fuel the bounce in my step, and the closeness to the city of refuge will provide meaningfull i suppose. i look forward to short drives down 1-63 to spend afternoons with the people i care for so much.
the city will also hold other opportunities. i look forward to submitting for the register and hopefully signing on in a permanent position. the times will be expanded throughout this year, and should grow to fruition, becoming everything that i dream it will become.
there will be many challenges to overcome in the next year and many faces to miss in the early months. it will be odd to return to pella and not see nick or kelsey, and even stranger to walk into the haunted basement and not see ky running around somewhere. i know they will enjoy their travels, and upon their arrival back stateside in the spring it will be a month full of great reunions.
the summer should hold so much. wanderings on a larger scale. the goal for the summer, if there would be one is to do as much as possible. tour, camp, fish, run, bbq, skate, kiss girls, trace highways, see wonders, and whatever else captivates my imagination. this should be the pinnacle summer of my youth i suppose, unless it already passed during hot sidewalk days outside the bravo hotel. i suppose it has not. i would like to visit the cosmos in the dakota's and turn twenty one under the bright lights of vegas.
i however have gotten ahead of myself. there are trips to be made in the spring. a train ride out to manhattan to see mark, and then a short drive up the mountains to visit wyatt at his new home are almost bonafide events in the calender. hopefully they will come and not pass me by as my bones lay dormant under the iowa winter.
the spring will also hold several other events of notice. trips to des moines, pella, iowa city, cedar falls, the twin cities, and any other number of places should fill the weekends from the birth of the new year until the summer swings into consciousness. there are many faces to keep familiar, and i hope to do all i can to make them stay that way. there will be nights with ricky reliving our hectically assembled past.
the fall will hold several new challenges as well. becoming a junior at drake will be an interesting and exciting transition. i look forward to the hardships as well as the obvious rewards of starting life as a bulldog.
this year should also see the completion and possible publication of my first novel entitled "dharma bum summer," a project i am nearly half completed with currently. this could be quite the process and i hope i have what it takes to finish what i have so carefully started.
i currently have run out of things that should take place in the new year, but i'm sure if they go unlisted here, they will surely happen if the fate's align in their favor.
for the first two weeks of the new year i will be out wandering the midwest. i will probably lack updates during this time, and i apologize for this. good luck with the start of your year, god knows we could all use a little.
30.12.08
29.12.08
2008: in reverie
i started this post earlier today. i sat down and i started to dissect the goals i had set for the new year at the end of 2007. as i worked my way through the list, i grew tired of tearing myself apart, denying my aspirations and admitting defeats that i do not necessarily count as losses.
at this time last year, i was a disillusioned young man, living my life inside the deafening blackness of carefully aligned blinders.
at this time last year i was preparing to get out of town with the nearest sunset and bring my weary bones back to the city of refuge. i was packed and preparing to head south, back to the supposed safety and security of a place i still oft refer to as home.
i had limped through my first semester of community college, hoping that my poor study habits and devastating personal flaws would not follow me back to where they originally formed. i was not looking forward to the start of the semester, i was more locked in on the nights i would spend surrounded by good conversation and japanese stick incense, passing bottles as the time slipped through space.
i was out to prove my hard headedness. i was a boy parading as a dashing gentleman, too ready to get out and show everyone that the real world was a place of easy ladies and hard drinking. i was a rebel with self-destruction on my mind, someone with very little to lose, and a willingness to make a fall from grace.
i was close minded and quick to fight, no desire to pull punches or listen to reason. i had the world in front of me, and i was willing to run through the gates of hell to get what i wanted. in those days i was not a braver man, simply more head strong.
i thought that it was all so easy. i watched it all come to me before i could simply walk past, a hurried soul into the night, that's what i should have been. i wanted to find myself, and see what i was made of.
no influences were going to hold my head, no way, no how. i was ignorant to the simple truths of the world, determined to cut my own path next to the superhighway of youth. it turned out to be a harder road then i ever imagined.
the year melted along with the vanilla candles on the broken glass coffee table in the living room of that plain white house. a slide began, one only a colossally blind man would not have seen descending on his own shoulders. now, as i reflect on where i have been and where i am going, i can't help but smile inwardly, thinking about the days i have spent and the nights i have survived.
through everything, i learned some hard truths, and more importantly, i gained some experiences that will never leave me. the following will be my year in review i suppose. i will leave out the gory details, the tales of treachery, the days that felt hopeless, they were there, but they are past. dark things sliding about in the waters just below my stare that need not be disturbed, no, not now.
i saw poverty. in the purest, most unbridled agony and glory, i have now slept in the gutter. i have seen fly covered walls compose my living room, the heat of summer pouring through open windows into powerless, dimly lit rooms. i have witnessed the empty satisfaction of days without nutrition, a dead, warm refrigerator holding nothing but a large glass jar of pickle juice, alongside a six pack of milwaukee's best. i will never forgot showers in those times, no money for the gas bill leading to the coldest, most awakening showers you could ever hope to miss.
i have watched young men throw away their dreams and not flinch. i saw it everyday then. days spent making wishes with no hope of action, all of us stuck in our own habits and happenstance.
i watched as boys i had grown up with saw the crushing judgements of the american legal system. i saw hope crushed with the drop and silence of a gavel. i never dreamed of seeing these things transpire, they just found their way to my door.
i also saw my personal limitations tested. i have weathered storms i never thought i would survive, i have triumphed over enemies far greater than i had ever dreamed up as a child. when you go looking for yourself, i suppose you can not help but to find your demons. i have stared mine in the face, considered spitting in their faces, and then have had the common decency to simply walk away. i never imagined that there were such dark things in the world as i have found in the last year.
i saw a broken man drink himself into shame and oblivion. i saw him find his daughter and lose her again. i watched as he picked himself up from the gutter and put his life together. i witnessed a man get clean, find love, and put a family back together. i saw the miracle of second chances.
i saw young men struggle to see past their noses in order to believe in any type of future existed outside of an oceanic living room. our dreams were dreary then. hopes of reliving the past and conquering the obstacles you have already failed can tear at ones stamina and ability to believe in anything.
more importantly, i saw myself leave boy hood behind and realize what it takes to be a man. i saw myself open up, grow comfortable in any situation because i was finally comfortable in my own skin. i am now able to see the world in a more pure light, in a more hopeful and broad spectrum.
i am able to trust fully for the first time in my life. i have seen that the heart of life is in fact good, and there will always be shepards to walk us through the darkest of nights. it is nearly impossible to be alone in this world, and i have tasted the desperation of that emptiness. i know that i will never truly be alone ever again. i carry the souls, thoughts, and hopes of the others with me every day and night.
this year has been harsh yet forgiving. granting me a second chances at life, love and success, and i have been able to bask in each of these. this has been a year to remember, and one that lasted far longer than i ever imagined it would. there were years trapped in the early months, days so full of life and living that they expanded for weeks in their own rights. i look back and smile, for i know the darkest days are behind me, and my chin will never drag on the grindstone ever again. i have made it, and the sun is shining on my head as the year is quietly closing. a smile is on my face.
at this time last year, i was a disillusioned young man, living my life inside the deafening blackness of carefully aligned blinders.
at this time last year i was preparing to get out of town with the nearest sunset and bring my weary bones back to the city of refuge. i was packed and preparing to head south, back to the supposed safety and security of a place i still oft refer to as home.
i had limped through my first semester of community college, hoping that my poor study habits and devastating personal flaws would not follow me back to where they originally formed. i was not looking forward to the start of the semester, i was more locked in on the nights i would spend surrounded by good conversation and japanese stick incense, passing bottles as the time slipped through space.
i was out to prove my hard headedness. i was a boy parading as a dashing gentleman, too ready to get out and show everyone that the real world was a place of easy ladies and hard drinking. i was a rebel with self-destruction on my mind, someone with very little to lose, and a willingness to make a fall from grace.
i was close minded and quick to fight, no desire to pull punches or listen to reason. i had the world in front of me, and i was willing to run through the gates of hell to get what i wanted. in those days i was not a braver man, simply more head strong.
i thought that it was all so easy. i watched it all come to me before i could simply walk past, a hurried soul into the night, that's what i should have been. i wanted to find myself, and see what i was made of.
no influences were going to hold my head, no way, no how. i was ignorant to the simple truths of the world, determined to cut my own path next to the superhighway of youth. it turned out to be a harder road then i ever imagined.
the year melted along with the vanilla candles on the broken glass coffee table in the living room of that plain white house. a slide began, one only a colossally blind man would not have seen descending on his own shoulders. now, as i reflect on where i have been and where i am going, i can't help but smile inwardly, thinking about the days i have spent and the nights i have survived.
through everything, i learned some hard truths, and more importantly, i gained some experiences that will never leave me. the following will be my year in review i suppose. i will leave out the gory details, the tales of treachery, the days that felt hopeless, they were there, but they are past. dark things sliding about in the waters just below my stare that need not be disturbed, no, not now.
i saw poverty. in the purest, most unbridled agony and glory, i have now slept in the gutter. i have seen fly covered walls compose my living room, the heat of summer pouring through open windows into powerless, dimly lit rooms. i have witnessed the empty satisfaction of days without nutrition, a dead, warm refrigerator holding nothing but a large glass jar of pickle juice, alongside a six pack of milwaukee's best. i will never forgot showers in those times, no money for the gas bill leading to the coldest, most awakening showers you could ever hope to miss.
i have watched young men throw away their dreams and not flinch. i saw it everyday then. days spent making wishes with no hope of action, all of us stuck in our own habits and happenstance.
i watched as boys i had grown up with saw the crushing judgements of the american legal system. i saw hope crushed with the drop and silence of a gavel. i never dreamed of seeing these things transpire, they just found their way to my door.
i also saw my personal limitations tested. i have weathered storms i never thought i would survive, i have triumphed over enemies far greater than i had ever dreamed up as a child. when you go looking for yourself, i suppose you can not help but to find your demons. i have stared mine in the face, considered spitting in their faces, and then have had the common decency to simply walk away. i never imagined that there were such dark things in the world as i have found in the last year.
i saw a broken man drink himself into shame and oblivion. i saw him find his daughter and lose her again. i watched as he picked himself up from the gutter and put his life together. i witnessed a man get clean, find love, and put a family back together. i saw the miracle of second chances.
i saw young men struggle to see past their noses in order to believe in any type of future existed outside of an oceanic living room. our dreams were dreary then. hopes of reliving the past and conquering the obstacles you have already failed can tear at ones stamina and ability to believe in anything.
more importantly, i saw myself leave boy hood behind and realize what it takes to be a man. i saw myself open up, grow comfortable in any situation because i was finally comfortable in my own skin. i am now able to see the world in a more pure light, in a more hopeful and broad spectrum.
i am able to trust fully for the first time in my life. i have seen that the heart of life is in fact good, and there will always be shepards to walk us through the darkest of nights. it is nearly impossible to be alone in this world, and i have tasted the desperation of that emptiness. i know that i will never truly be alone ever again. i carry the souls, thoughts, and hopes of the others with me every day and night.
this year has been harsh yet forgiving. granting me a second chances at life, love and success, and i have been able to bask in each of these. this has been a year to remember, and one that lasted far longer than i ever imagined it would. there were years trapped in the early months, days so full of life and living that they expanded for weeks in their own rights. i look back and smile, for i know the darkest days are behind me, and my chin will never drag on the grindstone ever again. i have made it, and the sun is shining on my head as the year is quietly closing. a smile is on my face.
26.12.08
world of fog.
for the last several minutes i have been absent mindedly staring out my window, enjoying snow covered lights wrapped inside a world of fog. i have become stuck to this exact spot for the moment. there is nothing that seems to be sparking inspiration within my weary head at the current moments.
i suppose this is what one might consider the doldrums. a time of waiting, lodged firmly between to events filled with motion. on the open seas it meant death to sailors for any matter of ailments: scurvy, boredom or any other number of snags waiting to drag down an already weary soul. i am starting to consider the set of circumstances i am currently jammed between as a personal doldrum of sorts.
with the second semester looming heavy on the horizon, the ease of three in the afternoon good mornings will be quickly fleeting in the coming weeks. this is not a habit forming drought of activity. as the world turns and the new year begins, there will be much to accomplish and many faces to find familiar once again.
the new year holds many possibilites for me personally. as i view them right now, the challenges seem daunting. the coming year should be an ever evolving test for all of the knowledge, abilities, and relationships i have gained to this point in my life.
as the year begins, there are immediate challenges that should not prove paramount in difficulty, however, the sheer number of tasks at hand is sometimes a bit overwhelming.
currently, the changing times is proving an obsession that must be carefully attended to. a large quantity of time will be constantly consumed by this publication. with a new format in the works, foreseeable and unforeseeable growing pains, and any other number of concerns hanging in the near future, the project sometimes seems unmanageable. however, i am confident that with the passion inside of myself, the support of others, and the solid framework that has already been laid, i should be toasting a year's worth of issues around this time next year.
also, the starting of the spring semester will bring its own slate of perils: a heavy number of credit hours, a role to maintain as news editor on the paper, and a return to work with the continuation of school should provide a steady and non relenting headache from the time classes start in mid-january until they finish on the first day of may.
homework and the actual course material does not concern me in the slightest. for the first time in my academic career i have carefully chosen my classes, arranging them for what should prove to be a successful schedule. the time constraint should be less of a factor with the open days in the week, paired with the block schedule on the others. this has always helped improve my class attendance, while allowing me the privilege of mobility that i desperately need to keep my soul content.
work will present very few challenges other than grinding out my teeth each month until the last friday for once a month paycheck. this however provides me with the rare opportunity to take charge of my finances in a new way. instead of scraping through for two weeks at a time to pay off debts and make a little something extra, i will have the chance to actually organize a monthly budget and adjust to that type of thinking. this could prove invaluable as i make the transition back out into the real world.
may will provide several challenges. firstly, and most importantly, the move to des moines will be the largest transition of my life. acclimating myself successfully to the capital city i do anticipate to be a difficult task, however it will be vital to my success there. i already have a decent network of friends, i know the city fairly well, and i have pleanty of logic to back up that i do indeed belong there. however, there are always unexpected snags, so hopefully i will be able to handle them with as much grace as possible.
also in the coming year are other great milestones such as: turning twenty one, completeing (and proofing) my first full-scale novel, and many other interesting events. hopefully i am ready for all these things. like i said, this will certainly show me what i am made of.
listening to -
"spinning" - jack's mannequin (the glass passenger)
"the sounds of settling" - death cab for cutie (transatlanticism)
"title and registration" - death cab for cutie (transatlanticism)
"answer" - cartel (chroma)
"question" - cartel (chroma)
i suppose this is what one might consider the doldrums. a time of waiting, lodged firmly between to events filled with motion. on the open seas it meant death to sailors for any matter of ailments: scurvy, boredom or any other number of snags waiting to drag down an already weary soul. i am starting to consider the set of circumstances i am currently jammed between as a personal doldrum of sorts.
with the second semester looming heavy on the horizon, the ease of three in the afternoon good mornings will be quickly fleeting in the coming weeks. this is not a habit forming drought of activity. as the world turns and the new year begins, there will be much to accomplish and many faces to find familiar once again.
the new year holds many possibilites for me personally. as i view them right now, the challenges seem daunting. the coming year should be an ever evolving test for all of the knowledge, abilities, and relationships i have gained to this point in my life.
as the year begins, there are immediate challenges that should not prove paramount in difficulty, however, the sheer number of tasks at hand is sometimes a bit overwhelming.
currently, the changing times is proving an obsession that must be carefully attended to. a large quantity of time will be constantly consumed by this publication. with a new format in the works, foreseeable and unforeseeable growing pains, and any other number of concerns hanging in the near future, the project sometimes seems unmanageable. however, i am confident that with the passion inside of myself, the support of others, and the solid framework that has already been laid, i should be toasting a year's worth of issues around this time next year.
also, the starting of the spring semester will bring its own slate of perils: a heavy number of credit hours, a role to maintain as news editor on the paper, and a return to work with the continuation of school should provide a steady and non relenting headache from the time classes start in mid-january until they finish on the first day of may.
homework and the actual course material does not concern me in the slightest. for the first time in my academic career i have carefully chosen my classes, arranging them for what should prove to be a successful schedule. the time constraint should be less of a factor with the open days in the week, paired with the block schedule on the others. this has always helped improve my class attendance, while allowing me the privilege of mobility that i desperately need to keep my soul content.
work will present very few challenges other than grinding out my teeth each month until the last friday for once a month paycheck. this however provides me with the rare opportunity to take charge of my finances in a new way. instead of scraping through for two weeks at a time to pay off debts and make a little something extra, i will have the chance to actually organize a monthly budget and adjust to that type of thinking. this could prove invaluable as i make the transition back out into the real world.
may will provide several challenges. firstly, and most importantly, the move to des moines will be the largest transition of my life. acclimating myself successfully to the capital city i do anticipate to be a difficult task, however it will be vital to my success there. i already have a decent network of friends, i know the city fairly well, and i have pleanty of logic to back up that i do indeed belong there. however, there are always unexpected snags, so hopefully i will be able to handle them with as much grace as possible.
also in the coming year are other great milestones such as: turning twenty one, completeing (and proofing) my first full-scale novel, and many other interesting events. hopefully i am ready for all these things. like i said, this will certainly show me what i am made of.
listening to -
"spinning" - jack's mannequin (the glass passenger)
"the sounds of settling" - death cab for cutie (transatlanticism)
"title and registration" - death cab for cutie (transatlanticism)
"answer" - cartel (chroma)
"question" - cartel (chroma)
25.12.08
rolling rock and rock 'n roll.
today, as i awoke, happens to be christmas. december 25, 2008 will soon come and go. upon first opening my eyes this morning, the frost from the window refracting prisms of light, i had a vision not of elves and a jolly man in red, but of an old friend.
i recall my first thought on this christmas day was of daniel jacobitz, and how someday i hope he is back close at hand. i was dreaming of him shortly before i awoke, some vision of a new age hair metal band complete with pyrotechnics.
this all must have started last night as i was quietly pacing the upper-midwestern plains in an undersized truck and bender played "the mixed tape" by jack's mannequin.
it snapped my consciousness from this time and place, removing back to another world where i was merely a boy. i thought i was a man then.
it was two summers ago and i was sleeping in my empty apartment. sunlight was streaming through the late morning open windows, the air full of pollen and the smell of fresh cut grass. daniel was asleep in my living room, or perhaps he was on the verge of waking, the detail in this circumstance was irrelevant. this is a scenario that played out daily for those three months of sun.
daniel was still a fresh face in pella then, a new man about town although he had been lurking about with steph for quite some time. anyway, each day i would walk into the living room to see him stretched out on a worn mattress, the only furniture in the room spare a pair of lawn chairs.
"the mixed tape" would always be playing in those days. it was the title track of the soundtrack for a summer full of rolling rock and rock 'n roll.
we were all still so much younger then, all though it hangs just a couple years behind me now. carefree to a fault, obsessed with band practice in the early afternoons, walks through the city as it slept, and playing cute for all the girls who were always played too good for us degenerate punk scum.
that was a summer of fist fights based off misguided ideals. nights of tom gill finger picking his acoustic between budweisers on the front porch of that large yellow victorian. there were nights in caldwell park full of frustration on reconciliation between me and that girl who will always have the largest part of my heart. there were weeks littered with chain smoke walks through the quiet blocks around the lincoln apartments with daniel, carefully pacing through all our life situations and all our thoughts on god. each day saw blood, sweat, and tears; not to mention a great deal of my personal income, poured into a group of undead cowboys who were trying to cut a record. we wanted to be famous then, or at the very least be respected, but what we gained from those days only we can really remember. most importantly, it was a summer that lasted for a lifetime, and yet it was not close to long enough.
as the leaves turned so did our hearts and minds and we lost whatever had been there before. it left like many of us did in the middle of the night from girls we would plan on never seeing again, only to run into them the next morning at a convenience store or coffee shop.
anyway, daniel is on my mind on this christmas morning, and i hope that his is filled with happiness and carolina sunshine as he sits on the eastern seaboard.
i recall my first thought on this christmas day was of daniel jacobitz, and how someday i hope he is back close at hand. i was dreaming of him shortly before i awoke, some vision of a new age hair metal band complete with pyrotechnics.
this all must have started last night as i was quietly pacing the upper-midwestern plains in an undersized truck and bender played "the mixed tape" by jack's mannequin.
it snapped my consciousness from this time and place, removing back to another world where i was merely a boy. i thought i was a man then.
it was two summers ago and i was sleeping in my empty apartment. sunlight was streaming through the late morning open windows, the air full of pollen and the smell of fresh cut grass. daniel was asleep in my living room, or perhaps he was on the verge of waking, the detail in this circumstance was irrelevant. this is a scenario that played out daily for those three months of sun.
daniel was still a fresh face in pella then, a new man about town although he had been lurking about with steph for quite some time. anyway, each day i would walk into the living room to see him stretched out on a worn mattress, the only furniture in the room spare a pair of lawn chairs.
"the mixed tape" would always be playing in those days. it was the title track of the soundtrack for a summer full of rolling rock and rock 'n roll.
we were all still so much younger then, all though it hangs just a couple years behind me now. carefree to a fault, obsessed with band practice in the early afternoons, walks through the city as it slept, and playing cute for all the girls who were always played too good for us degenerate punk scum.
that was a summer of fist fights based off misguided ideals. nights of tom gill finger picking his acoustic between budweisers on the front porch of that large yellow victorian. there were nights in caldwell park full of frustration on reconciliation between me and that girl who will always have the largest part of my heart. there were weeks littered with chain smoke walks through the quiet blocks around the lincoln apartments with daniel, carefully pacing through all our life situations and all our thoughts on god. each day saw blood, sweat, and tears; not to mention a great deal of my personal income, poured into a group of undead cowboys who were trying to cut a record. we wanted to be famous then, or at the very least be respected, but what we gained from those days only we can really remember. most importantly, it was a summer that lasted for a lifetime, and yet it was not close to long enough.
as the leaves turned so did our hearts and minds and we lost whatever had been there before. it left like many of us did in the middle of the night from girls we would plan on never seeing again, only to run into them the next morning at a convenience store or coffee shop.
anyway, daniel is on my mind on this christmas morning, and i hope that his is filled with happiness and carolina sunshine as he sits on the eastern seaboard.
24.12.08
Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman
I just finished Killing Yourself to Live. It was okay. Throughout the novel the author visited the most famous death sights of the most famous rock and roll stars. This was an all-right plan for writing a book, especially if you are a rock critic, but the actual rock and roll seemed to get lost.
My sights were set high when the first morbid attraction visited was the hotel where Sid killed Nancy, leaving her dripping with blood under the bathroom sink, but the other venues of death seemed to trail off and meander.
Throughout the book Klosterman intersperses tales from his own life, mainly about three women he loves separately, but with the same amount of passion. As the novel progresses, he ends up losing all three as he voyages across the country: one to marriage, on to an ultimatum, and one because he suffers from what must be a mental handicap to think it's kosher to have three women stashed about the United States. However, the author manages to make the entire relationship side of the book highly relateable to the everyman (not to mention the individual members of KISS), even if that everyman has no lady.
As I spent the last day or so storming my way through this novel I gained an insatiable itch to be back out on the road traveling. I do not hunger to visit the sights of the Skynard or Buddy Holly plane crashes, or do i long to visit where K.C. blew his brains out in a backyard greenhouse, but the book was still somewhat inspiring. I do however intend to see where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for guitar skills, and I fully intend on that happening come summer.
The book was applicable to me personally because I can identify with Klosterman, a man Mid-Western rural background who now writes for a living. As I pace the steps to become some sort of writer, this book provided me with insight into what being a rock critic is somewhat like, and made my mind up to stay mostly clear of that field.
All in all, it was worth the read due to the half inspiration, half information qualities that I have covered above.
My sights were set high when the first morbid attraction visited was the hotel where Sid killed Nancy, leaving her dripping with blood under the bathroom sink, but the other venues of death seemed to trail off and meander.
Throughout the book Klosterman intersperses tales from his own life, mainly about three women he loves separately, but with the same amount of passion. As the novel progresses, he ends up losing all three as he voyages across the country: one to marriage, on to an ultimatum, and one because he suffers from what must be a mental handicap to think it's kosher to have three women stashed about the United States. However, the author manages to make the entire relationship side of the book highly relateable to the everyman (not to mention the individual members of KISS), even if that everyman has no lady.
As I spent the last day or so storming my way through this novel I gained an insatiable itch to be back out on the road traveling. I do not hunger to visit the sights of the Skynard or Buddy Holly plane crashes, or do i long to visit where K.C. blew his brains out in a backyard greenhouse, but the book was still somewhat inspiring. I do however intend to see where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for guitar skills, and I fully intend on that happening come summer.
The book was applicable to me personally because I can identify with Klosterman, a man Mid-Western rural background who now writes for a living. As I pace the steps to become some sort of writer, this book provided me with insight into what being a rock critic is somewhat like, and made my mind up to stay mostly clear of that field.
All in all, it was worth the read due to the half inspiration, half information qualities that I have covered above.
23.12.08
cat's game.
right now i am writing to put things off.
i am currently mid-way through digesting the chuck klosterman novel killing yourself to live: 85% of a true story. i have found it widely entertaining and slightly enlightening. it has stirred emotions in me that have been dormant for quite some time. the itch for the unexplored, the dreams of the open road. next summer will hopefully hold the keys to the horizons i have been waiting to explore for years. however, currently, i am finding it impossible to sit down and read. all afternoon i have hurriedly launched task after task in hopes of getting them completed so i may once again sit down and get lost inside the pages. it hasn't happened.
issue two of the times is in dire straights. not especially, i mean, it is going to be abbreviated compared to the first, and especially compared to the third. the transition from first issue to third is making the second suffer. as the format is being reworked, it has drained all the creativity from me for the second issue. i have yet to write my column, and i have no ideas to project right now. i just keep waiting for something to hit me, and with printing only two weeks away, i need to roll up my sleeves and get to work.
dharma bum summer is coming along. as a novel, i have no idea how realistic it is as a concept, but the words continue to pour whenever i do take the time to sit down and work on it. i have the plot mapping done, a firm outline, and a synopsis of each chapter guiding me, but i have taken a more free flowing approach through the first couple of chapters. that is where it lies currently, a storyboard and two chapters. twenty three left to be penned, or, i suppose typed in this case. i have been managing to sit down and work for at least a period of time each of the days this week, which has been reassuring. however, today, i have no drive to press forward through the next few pages. writing novels is tough. that must be why people don't often try. each word has to be made real, and the entire context of everything gets too overbearing at times. today i am daunted by this task.
there are no other pressing matters in my life currently. the christmas shopping has been completed, names and ideas scratched off the list quickly as a raced through the mall along with all the stay at home mothers and homeless men seeking the warmth of the indoors. since my return to the wasteland i have spent all of my time sleeping, watching the greatest hip songs countdown, and reading, which has been a welcome respite from the weariness of six days on the road. i am stuck in anticipation of the next series of moves that i have yet to make. when the rain falls again, it will be a time to execute. this is the time for careful preparation. however, today is a cat's game.
i am currently mid-way through digesting the chuck klosterman novel killing yourself to live: 85% of a true story. i have found it widely entertaining and slightly enlightening. it has stirred emotions in me that have been dormant for quite some time. the itch for the unexplored, the dreams of the open road. next summer will hopefully hold the keys to the horizons i have been waiting to explore for years. however, currently, i am finding it impossible to sit down and read. all afternoon i have hurriedly launched task after task in hopes of getting them completed so i may once again sit down and get lost inside the pages. it hasn't happened.
issue two of the times is in dire straights. not especially, i mean, it is going to be abbreviated compared to the first, and especially compared to the third. the transition from first issue to third is making the second suffer. as the format is being reworked, it has drained all the creativity from me for the second issue. i have yet to write my column, and i have no ideas to project right now. i just keep waiting for something to hit me, and with printing only two weeks away, i need to roll up my sleeves and get to work.
dharma bum summer is coming along. as a novel, i have no idea how realistic it is as a concept, but the words continue to pour whenever i do take the time to sit down and work on it. i have the plot mapping done, a firm outline, and a synopsis of each chapter guiding me, but i have taken a more free flowing approach through the first couple of chapters. that is where it lies currently, a storyboard and two chapters. twenty three left to be penned, or, i suppose typed in this case. i have been managing to sit down and work for at least a period of time each of the days this week, which has been reassuring. however, today, i have no drive to press forward through the next few pages. writing novels is tough. that must be why people don't often try. each word has to be made real, and the entire context of everything gets too overbearing at times. today i am daunted by this task.
there are no other pressing matters in my life currently. the christmas shopping has been completed, names and ideas scratched off the list quickly as a raced through the mall along with all the stay at home mothers and homeless men seeking the warmth of the indoors. since my return to the wasteland i have spent all of my time sleeping, watching the greatest hip songs countdown, and reading, which has been a welcome respite from the weariness of six days on the road. i am stuck in anticipation of the next series of moves that i have yet to make. when the rain falls again, it will be a time to execute. this is the time for careful preparation. however, today is a cat's game.
glass ceiling.
this summer i will stand at the intersection where robert johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the ability to be the greatest blues guitarist to ever live.
other than that, my current out look is kind of bleak. the winter is getting inside of my bones, the marrow long frozen, no longer free flowing. with no school and no work for another month or so, this sleepy midwestern metropolis seems seven shades slower, each day starting well into the afternoon. i'm currently filling my time with half-hearted attempts at hibernation. in a couple of weeks, i will be forced south and then east, but that should be a welcome relief. as i contemplate the coming semester, the spring, the eternity that always stretches just beyond our fingertips, i am coming to grips with several things. as the semester begins, the weather will not immediately improve, it will take several months, and by the time the hard, north-iowa soil chooses to thaw, the "spring" semester will be just about finished. that is a welcome truth, however, i will jump straight from winter into the healthful kisses of the summer sun, and that may cause quite the mental lapse. also, there will be many unforeseen (but obviously somewhat forseen) obstacles to fill the remaining winter months: drake, des moines, apartment shopping, trips to indy, balancing work/magazine/20 credit hours, hannah still being around, planning the trip by not planning, making preparations for the summertime, and all the other things that one must do when there is nothing else to occupy time. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF JACK JOHNSON. my brother has a new obsession, so my shuffle on the old home computer constantly has to ruin my day by playing this beach inspired rot. (a deep breath of relief). i'm starting to see that i'm not all that different than anyone else. i have always viewed myself as quite the outsider, now i'm starting to think that i just fantasise about being so much more than a man. none of us are really the superheroes we make ourselves out to be in our own heads. the midwest is shrinking. the small-town bubbles we grew up in used to stretch all the way to the sun, now they are shrinking down to exclude the eves of the tallest buildings. city limits always provided the main-measurements, the diameter cut down main street. however, the fluctuation of our own glass ceilings has seemed to be a bit short as of late. i'm ready for the next steps, i now need to make them.
other than that, my current out look is kind of bleak. the winter is getting inside of my bones, the marrow long frozen, no longer free flowing. with no school and no work for another month or so, this sleepy midwestern metropolis seems seven shades slower, each day starting well into the afternoon. i'm currently filling my time with half-hearted attempts at hibernation. in a couple of weeks, i will be forced south and then east, but that should be a welcome relief. as i contemplate the coming semester, the spring, the eternity that always stretches just beyond our fingertips, i am coming to grips with several things. as the semester begins, the weather will not immediately improve, it will take several months, and by the time the hard, north-iowa soil chooses to thaw, the "spring" semester will be just about finished. that is a welcome truth, however, i will jump straight from winter into the healthful kisses of the summer sun, and that may cause quite the mental lapse. also, there will be many unforeseen (but obviously somewhat forseen) obstacles to fill the remaining winter months: drake, des moines, apartment shopping, trips to indy, balancing work/magazine/20 credit hours, hannah still being around, planning the trip by not planning, making preparations for the summertime, and all the other things that one must do when there is nothing else to occupy time. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF JACK JOHNSON. my brother has a new obsession, so my shuffle on the old home computer constantly has to ruin my day by playing this beach inspired rot. (a deep breath of relief). i'm starting to see that i'm not all that different than anyone else. i have always viewed myself as quite the outsider, now i'm starting to think that i just fantasise about being so much more than a man. none of us are really the superheroes we make ourselves out to be in our own heads. the midwest is shrinking. the small-town bubbles we grew up in used to stretch all the way to the sun, now they are shrinking down to exclude the eves of the tallest buildings. city limits always provided the main-measurements, the diameter cut down main street. however, the fluctuation of our own glass ceilings has seemed to be a bit short as of late. i'm ready for the next steps, i now need to make them.
22.12.08
winter break o-Hate-O-9 goals.
this is an idea that i saw posted upon my refrigerator upon my sister's arrival back to this northern wasteland. she has carefully constructed a list of goals for the current break from classes, and i would like to steal that thought. here are my winter break 0-Hate-O-9 goals:
1. finish issue 2 of the changing times.
2. see the new look apporaching nain.
3. read three books.
a. Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman
4. travel some amount of the midwest with kelsey before she leaves for spain.
5. complete the 9,837 loads of laundry strewn throughout the upstairs of my house.
6. get out to indy. (if not possible, spend more time wandering)
7. take bender to the basement and blow his mind.
8. complete christmas shopping.
9. pay off the bills.
10. sit down and construct some sort of music.
11. continue writing dharma bum summer.
12. clean out the truck and stock up for the remainder of winter.
13. visit a roadside attraction.
14. high five andrew lopez.
15. go find ship.
16. complete the reconstruction of the basement.
17. go see a film in the theatre that was worth the price of admission.
18. practice cello.
19. get straight with drake.
20. greatly reduce the amount of carcinogens in my bloodstream.
1. finish issue 2 of the changing times.
2. see the new look apporaching nain.
3. read three books.
a. Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman
4. travel some amount of the midwest with kelsey before she leaves for spain.
5. complete the 9,837 loads of laundry strewn throughout the upstairs of my house.
6. get out to indy. (if not possible, spend more time wandering)
7. take bender to the basement and blow his mind.
8. complete christmas shopping.
9. pay off the bills.
10. sit down and construct some sort of music.
11. continue writing dharma bum summer.
12. clean out the truck and stock up for the remainder of winter.
13. visit a roadside attraction.
14. high five andrew lopez.
15. go find ship.
16. complete the reconstruction of the basement.
17. go see a film in the theatre that was worth the price of admission.
18. practice cello.
19. get straight with drake.
20. greatly reduce the amount of carcinogens in my bloodstream.
21.12.08
juvenile quarrels.
it's a lackadaisical concern, really, if i must be honest and forthright in this judgement. i am not broken, i haven't even really been bent. my gaze has turned on it's side and now disperses puzzlement throughout the world. did you honestly think that i would be offended? well, then you would have been correct.
the scorn of someone brushed green with envy is what you must have expected, that is all i can surmise. you expected the reaction, it was planned. you wanted to see the blood flush from my ears, a realization crossing my face that i might in fact lose something you see as so valued in my eyes. a bitter resentment for myself, thoroughly self-loathing, and ready to snap my full attention back to you after your brush with the wild side.
however dear, i grew old on the wild side, i have seen it's perils.
you could have seen the blood flush from my face, the dropping in my stomach had you been there to witness it. you are several years late. images encoded in lines on numbers stretching across the midwestern plains to format on an artificial screen can not, will not, ever shake me again.
so, now, as i ponder your words, not to mention this current situation, i will now put down the pen and let you wonder what could have been. you will be interested in knowing just why you never heard from me again, but, you will not know. maybe, i will enlighten you, and your throat will run coarse with explanation, raspy not from cigarettes, all though they have had their toll.
juvenile quarrels for court-marshaled sins are for younger men. as for me, i will sit back and watch the countryside dream by through the passenger seat windows as the sweet southern wind screams my name.
the scorn of someone brushed green with envy is what you must have expected, that is all i can surmise. you expected the reaction, it was planned. you wanted to see the blood flush from my ears, a realization crossing my face that i might in fact lose something you see as so valued in my eyes. a bitter resentment for myself, thoroughly self-loathing, and ready to snap my full attention back to you after your brush with the wild side.
however dear, i grew old on the wild side, i have seen it's perils.
you could have seen the blood flush from my face, the dropping in my stomach had you been there to witness it. you are several years late. images encoded in lines on numbers stretching across the midwestern plains to format on an artificial screen can not, will not, ever shake me again.
so, now, as i ponder your words, not to mention this current situation, i will now put down the pen and let you wonder what could have been. you will be interested in knowing just why you never heard from me again, but, you will not know. maybe, i will enlighten you, and your throat will run coarse with explanation, raspy not from cigarettes, all though they have had their toll.
juvenile quarrels for court-marshaled sins are for younger men. as for me, i will sit back and watch the countryside dream by through the passenger seat windows as the sweet southern wind screams my name.
20.12.08
blanket sheet.
the snow is drifting up to the door, filling crevasses and crannies until there is nothing left except an exact coat of white. it flows and follows throughout the landscape, broken only by the occasional splash of timber, it in itself dappled with white as well. the isolation has begun to set in. i have the desire to run, to climb, to explore; but not the means. the arctic winds will freeze your lungs the minute you take that first deep breath. these are the months spent huddled indoors, only chancing the outside at a brisk walk to the nearest vehicle. there is no way around it. to stand only in this treachery is suicide. the winter has already gotten inside my bones, draining and pillaging any sense of contentment i was hoping to ration out through the next few hard months. there is no escaping it. the trees lay barren now, all twist and turbulence as the tundra winds rip through the weathered branches.
there was once beauty here. yes, i recall it. the freshness of everything being washed clean. the crispness of those first few days, the contrast provided in the first twinkling lights of each hearth and home as the countryside slipped by. now it is irrelevant.
the recycled air that continues to circle these hallways is starting to heave with carbon dioxide, absentmindedly i consider the purchase of more plants. something green, something alive, anything to make contrast with the blank sheet that is lying all around these abandoned towns.
winter has come to the midwest. my soul is sinking.
now playing -
"Album of the Year" - The Good Life
"Night and Day" - The Good Life
"Under a Honeymoon" - The Good Life
there was once beauty here. yes, i recall it. the freshness of everything being washed clean. the crispness of those first few days, the contrast provided in the first twinkling lights of each hearth and home as the countryside slipped by. now it is irrelevant.
the recycled air that continues to circle these hallways is starting to heave with carbon dioxide, absentmindedly i consider the purchase of more plants. something green, something alive, anything to make contrast with the blank sheet that is lying all around these abandoned towns.
winter has come to the midwest. my soul is sinking.
now playing -
"Album of the Year" - The Good Life
"Night and Day" - The Good Life
"Under a Honeymoon" - The Good Life
18.12.08
lead me on.
well, i wish i hadn't spoken the words. i still dream of you, but all you have ever been in a dream. a wraith appearing and disappearing at your own heady convenience. it will make a sad remembrance someday, coffee in hand, watching the creme swirl beneath your nose. no cigarette in hand, the older we get, the wiser we often become. this has never been much of a story. maybe someday it will be.
now playing -
"lead me on" - ray lamontange
now playing -
"lead me on" - ray lamontange
10.12.08
a heartfelt scream.
an epic is coming. one i have written in the lines of my hands and the damage in my lungs. the greatest story i could ever tell, it's just around the corner. i can feel it pulsing deep beneath my skin, breathing, waiting to be recoreded. a record for the few who care to read. it will be here soon. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. a heartfelt scream.
mimic.
(because your idea made me envious, i have decided to also compile my thoughts about our favorite broken heart and the subsequent work it has produced.)
lua - this song has been my constant comfort over the last few years. when cold weather hits for the bleakest of seasons, "i'm wide awake, it's morning" does not leave my player for the compiling months until the sun thaws my face again. this song i have a connection to. every word, every line, every second hits me deep in the chest. it is a song that can suffocate me each and every time.
an attempt to tip the scales - tear soaked, hyperventilating, screaming in the car music. "so we trade liquor for blood...(i could simply type the rest.)" there were so many hear broken nights where this song was played back to back with haligh, on constant repeat. this is a song i will always hear and remember a time when i felt so alive.
haligh - i wrote this song in my own blood on a wall when i was sixteen. as far as i know, in that ancient house, in that decrepit crawl space, it is still there as a testament to both youthful ignorance and the loneliest time i had known. "you'd always be there, well where are you now?"
take it easy (love nothing) - "i must have looked like a ghost because something frightened me, and since then i've been so good at vanishing." this song still gives me chills, up and down my back and all the way through my smallest fingers.
june on the west coast - this is your song. you obviously know why. you keep me here as much as you make me want to run. "if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face, it's there i'll plant these seeds and make my home." you must realize, once your heart starts beating, the song doesn't end, it continues. there is atonement, and then, after all the trials and tribulations, it does in fact all work out. "i thought about my true love, the one i really need, with eyes that burn so bright they make me pure."
we are nowhere and it's now - one day, driving on icy roads not too long ago, this song connected with me like the others for the first time. that's the thing about conor, sometimes, you're just not quite ready for what he is going to say, and then, when you are, he already put it on a record. this song is what i feel like i have become. this song captured me, and i'm still being held hostage. "stuck between a past and future town."
sunrise, sunset - the inspiration for the greatest conversation i have had with michael. "and everybody knows it's all about the things that get stuck inside your head."
arc of time (time code) - when i am upbeat, this would be my soundtrack. a lot of my views in life have aligned with this song. "you can choose the high, or lower road." that means a lot to me. this song is filled with quiet hope for me. that close chested, deep breathing kind of comfort is gained when i listen to this song.
a few minutes on friday - makes me shake.
others that i am too lazy to write about at this time, but that mean a great deal to me:
gold mine gutted, down a rabbit hole, ship in a bottle and easy/lucky/free from digital ash. a calendar hung itself and a song to pass the time off fevers and mirrors. first day of my life, poison oak, and at the bottom of everything from wide awake. oh, and two more i need to write about.
i've been eating (for you) - i once told caroline that this is exactly how i felt about her. it still is how i look at that time in my life. it always will. "so you're more like a basketball, boys just pass you around, and dribble, and then we all get high fives." a quiet comfort for my weary soul.
if winter ends - everyday once the temperature drops i hear this song. i sing in quietly to myself and scream it loud at my dashboard. it is appropriately drenched in hopeful melancholy to an extent where it provides comfort. just one of the golden ones.
lua - this song has been my constant comfort over the last few years. when cold weather hits for the bleakest of seasons, "i'm wide awake, it's morning" does not leave my player for the compiling months until the sun thaws my face again. this song i have a connection to. every word, every line, every second hits me deep in the chest. it is a song that can suffocate me each and every time.
an attempt to tip the scales - tear soaked, hyperventilating, screaming in the car music. "so we trade liquor for blood...(i could simply type the rest.)" there were so many hear broken nights where this song was played back to back with haligh, on constant repeat. this is a song i will always hear and remember a time when i felt so alive.
haligh - i wrote this song in my own blood on a wall when i was sixteen. as far as i know, in that ancient house, in that decrepit crawl space, it is still there as a testament to both youthful ignorance and the loneliest time i had known. "you'd always be there, well where are you now?"
take it easy (love nothing) - "i must have looked like a ghost because something frightened me, and since then i've been so good at vanishing." this song still gives me chills, up and down my back and all the way through my smallest fingers.
june on the west coast - this is your song. you obviously know why. you keep me here as much as you make me want to run. "if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face, it's there i'll plant these seeds and make my home." you must realize, once your heart starts beating, the song doesn't end, it continues. there is atonement, and then, after all the trials and tribulations, it does in fact all work out. "i thought about my true love, the one i really need, with eyes that burn so bright they make me pure."
we are nowhere and it's now - one day, driving on icy roads not too long ago, this song connected with me like the others for the first time. that's the thing about conor, sometimes, you're just not quite ready for what he is going to say, and then, when you are, he already put it on a record. this song is what i feel like i have become. this song captured me, and i'm still being held hostage. "stuck between a past and future town."
sunrise, sunset - the inspiration for the greatest conversation i have had with michael. "and everybody knows it's all about the things that get stuck inside your head."
arc of time (time code) - when i am upbeat, this would be my soundtrack. a lot of my views in life have aligned with this song. "you can choose the high, or lower road." that means a lot to me. this song is filled with quiet hope for me. that close chested, deep breathing kind of comfort is gained when i listen to this song.
a few minutes on friday - makes me shake.
others that i am too lazy to write about at this time, but that mean a great deal to me:
gold mine gutted, down a rabbit hole, ship in a bottle and easy/lucky/free from digital ash. a calendar hung itself and a song to pass the time off fevers and mirrors. first day of my life, poison oak, and at the bottom of everything from wide awake. oh, and two more i need to write about.
i've been eating (for you) - i once told caroline that this is exactly how i felt about her. it still is how i look at that time in my life. it always will. "so you're more like a basketball, boys just pass you around, and dribble, and then we all get high fives." a quiet comfort for my weary soul.
if winter ends - everyday once the temperature drops i hear this song. i sing in quietly to myself and scream it loud at my dashboard. it is appropriately drenched in hopeful melancholy to an extent where it provides comfort. just one of the golden ones.
5.12.08
5 Month Synopsis
07.2008
lease was up. utah backed the truck into the yard and we packed up all of my possessions. said goodbye to the white house. headed north. spent a couple weeks in solitude. taking showers, reading books. new glasses, more reading. trips back to des moines and pella. fatty's going away show, five straight days with taylor in pella and des moines. taylor and i breaking up. tossing some of fatty's belonings at the mason city east side kum and go. contacted lewis after some deliberation, hung with him. met bender. continued to hand with bender. everyday. turned twenty to little fanfare. scared of being an adult. lots of walks in east park, trips to the library, trips to the mall. rediscovering and falling in love with the city of my childhood. coaching certification classes start. trip to chicago with mom on the backroads. lost in downtown glen ellen at two in the morning. mom found me with the help of a train. trip to milwaukee with dad and ty. cubs sweep brewers. time spent in front of the hilton all night conversing with anyone and everyone walking by. back to mason city, via getting lost in madison. more hanging with bender and sweet lou.
08.2008
register for classes, contact old profs, and get ready for the newspaper season to begin. everyday cruises with bender to learn the ins and outs of the greater mason city area. discover rock falls fun days. finish coaching certification and prepare for the start of school. see hannah. anticipation builds for her to move back at the start of school. hannah moves back, visit the dorms on the first day, still a place i didn't enjoy being. school starts with a flourish and i am prepared. spend lots of time bender. meet nela and nicole at pond fest. spend time at kyle, kurtis and heather's humble abode playing pong and passing time.
09.2008
school continues. all classes going well, perfect attendance all month. work catering at niacc for decent pay, and it is good enough to get by. coffee and shopping trips with hannah, and emotions start to get involved. i bail on the whole situation, a silent oath of silence begins between the two of us. start making plans for the mason-bender project, and jam a lot in the practice rooms. playing lots of piano in the practice rooms all times of day. football stats with piper, the ellsworth meltdown, and then a good trip to chicago. trip back home upon the arrival of fatty pro back in the state. lemming race, lake cruise, never have i ever in the studio, scotch with mr. bandstra, and lots of great conversation. more conversation with fatty and john back at the bravo hotel until the lights go out and a brick smashes the store window. a barefoot chase, a cornering, a daring escape by our prey, help from unlikely sources, and the evenual arrest of some meth heads. police statements in the morning. back to mason city on no sleep for football stats. hanging with nicole, nela, and echo. volleyball games and b-dubs afterwards. hanging with brophy, bender, sweet lou, and a cast of others. meet steve in sociology which leads to good times with him, riley, sean, and big z at their place. lots of football watching. interview with jill biden that would eventually lead to national recoginiton at the national college journalism conference. lots of newspaper stories. lots of newspaper photos. rose bowl shows complete with dancing and crazy metal heads threatening lives for cases made on unsubstanciated evidence. more parties with nicole and nela. fights with hannah at soccer games, leaves changing, the air getting cooler, and october coming far too slow.
10.08
more soccer matches and volleyball games. more b-dubs. watching sex and the city with kyla, nicole, and bree. done with hannah, i think for good. more hanging with echo, joining sb, and spending pleanty of time at isacc's. visits from casper the unfriendly ghost. buffalos in nora springs with echo. miss a couple of classes. cruising with bender. making plans for the train wrexs. trips to iowa city and des moines with dan to see in defense, tyborn jig, hewhocorrupts, aeon grey, and a host of others. bum around with kyler, jill, luke, and maddie. good times had by most i suppose. pablo's burritos. start eating vegetarian as an experiment. work on halloween costumes: pirate, race car driver, mr. ryner. kacie's birthday, halloween party, and the subseqent weekend lead to us spending a lot of time together. silence with bender for a couple of weeks. less time with sweet lou. no going home. football ends, no more stats. meet jay jim through erin, spend a lot of time with him cruising around and hanging at wes and preston's places. halloween party at echo's with brophy, shirtless was the fashion. high fives in the upstairs hallway for all the boys.
11.08
start dating kacie. start working at the dorm's as a runner. start hanging with bender and at sweet lou's place again. spend more time jay and meet a flurry of people. spend time at preston's dominating in madden with little effort. enjoy work immensly and hang with matt daily on the way home. get to know the lady at kum and go. miss several classes. head to north dakota and minnesota with sb, weird, good, and fun times had. fooseball in alexandria, hot tub with a creeper in fargo. wisdom teeth out and bleeding all over the stage. breaking a kids nose with a roundhouse kick. couture vs. lesner at wes and justin's place, not my scene, but a good time none the less. thanksgiving at sweet lou's with the whole crew a success. thanksgiving in the cities kind of dull, but none the less good. back to mason to hang with bender and then kacie. kacie got sick in my basement that night. down to pella the next day. spend a lot of time with fatty, who is still stuck in the same rut as always, but just as loveable. stopped by the cops on the way to see coop at the holiday inn with mase, jay, and fatty. jay preforms brilliantly, no jail for us. george's pizza and marty saucebowl followed by some time at the row. meeting with debi outside the video store on her bike with the pup. stop by satch's place and see aric, ryan, claire, satch, tanner and john; also satch's new friend. back to town. christmas light display is marvelous as always. sleeping at the wolf hangar with a cat stomping on my face. wake up, to the row, through knoxville, around the lake and back to the row. north to wyatt's and wavy. back to town and over to r. paul's. jam with fatty and john incredible. visit the momma next door. over to the pientenpol house to meet up with kileen and alex. leave and go to alo's. see caroline, rachel, taylor, clay and a host of others. feel awkward and bail back to theta. run into vito and matt, cruise out to matt's, then back to theta. get swallowed by a whale with nothing but the devil's quench to satisfy. conversations with jay, dingle, manish, kileen, and alex. eventually get spit out by the whale and end up on the porch watching the snow with kileen and dingle. move jay into living room. say goodbye to dingle. wake up, escape pella. treck to the southside for ty's christmas present, and then snaking through des moines with jay. back to mason city.
lease was up. utah backed the truck into the yard and we packed up all of my possessions. said goodbye to the white house. headed north. spent a couple weeks in solitude. taking showers, reading books. new glasses, more reading. trips back to des moines and pella. fatty's going away show, five straight days with taylor in pella and des moines. taylor and i breaking up. tossing some of fatty's belonings at the mason city east side kum and go. contacted lewis after some deliberation, hung with him. met bender. continued to hand with bender. everyday. turned twenty to little fanfare. scared of being an adult. lots of walks in east park, trips to the library, trips to the mall. rediscovering and falling in love with the city of my childhood. coaching certification classes start. trip to chicago with mom on the backroads. lost in downtown glen ellen at two in the morning. mom found me with the help of a train. trip to milwaukee with dad and ty. cubs sweep brewers. time spent in front of the hilton all night conversing with anyone and everyone walking by. back to mason city, via getting lost in madison. more hanging with bender and sweet lou.
08.2008
register for classes, contact old profs, and get ready for the newspaper season to begin. everyday cruises with bender to learn the ins and outs of the greater mason city area. discover rock falls fun days. finish coaching certification and prepare for the start of school. see hannah. anticipation builds for her to move back at the start of school. hannah moves back, visit the dorms on the first day, still a place i didn't enjoy being. school starts with a flourish and i am prepared. spend lots of time bender. meet nela and nicole at pond fest. spend time at kyle, kurtis and heather's humble abode playing pong and passing time.
09.2008
school continues. all classes going well, perfect attendance all month. work catering at niacc for decent pay, and it is good enough to get by. coffee and shopping trips with hannah, and emotions start to get involved. i bail on the whole situation, a silent oath of silence begins between the two of us. start making plans for the mason-bender project, and jam a lot in the practice rooms. playing lots of piano in the practice rooms all times of day. football stats with piper, the ellsworth meltdown, and then a good trip to chicago. trip back home upon the arrival of fatty pro back in the state. lemming race, lake cruise, never have i ever in the studio, scotch with mr. bandstra, and lots of great conversation. more conversation with fatty and john back at the bravo hotel until the lights go out and a brick smashes the store window. a barefoot chase, a cornering, a daring escape by our prey, help from unlikely sources, and the evenual arrest of some meth heads. police statements in the morning. back to mason city on no sleep for football stats. hanging with nicole, nela, and echo. volleyball games and b-dubs afterwards. hanging with brophy, bender, sweet lou, and a cast of others. meet steve in sociology which leads to good times with him, riley, sean, and big z at their place. lots of football watching. interview with jill biden that would eventually lead to national recoginiton at the national college journalism conference. lots of newspaper stories. lots of newspaper photos. rose bowl shows complete with dancing and crazy metal heads threatening lives for cases made on unsubstanciated evidence. more parties with nicole and nela. fights with hannah at soccer games, leaves changing, the air getting cooler, and october coming far too slow.
10.08
more soccer matches and volleyball games. more b-dubs. watching sex and the city with kyla, nicole, and bree. done with hannah, i think for good. more hanging with echo, joining sb, and spending pleanty of time at isacc's. visits from casper the unfriendly ghost. buffalos in nora springs with echo. miss a couple of classes. cruising with bender. making plans for the train wrexs. trips to iowa city and des moines with dan to see in defense, tyborn jig, hewhocorrupts, aeon grey, and a host of others. bum around with kyler, jill, luke, and maddie. good times had by most i suppose. pablo's burritos. start eating vegetarian as an experiment. work on halloween costumes: pirate, race car driver, mr. ryner. kacie's birthday, halloween party, and the subseqent weekend lead to us spending a lot of time together. silence with bender for a couple of weeks. less time with sweet lou. no going home. football ends, no more stats. meet jay jim through erin, spend a lot of time with him cruising around and hanging at wes and preston's places. halloween party at echo's with brophy, shirtless was the fashion. high fives in the upstairs hallway for all the boys.
11.08
start dating kacie. start working at the dorm's as a runner. start hanging with bender and at sweet lou's place again. spend more time jay and meet a flurry of people. spend time at preston's dominating in madden with little effort. enjoy work immensly and hang with matt daily on the way home. get to know the lady at kum and go. miss several classes. head to north dakota and minnesota with sb, weird, good, and fun times had. fooseball in alexandria, hot tub with a creeper in fargo. wisdom teeth out and bleeding all over the stage. breaking a kids nose with a roundhouse kick. couture vs. lesner at wes and justin's place, not my scene, but a good time none the less. thanksgiving at sweet lou's with the whole crew a success. thanksgiving in the cities kind of dull, but none the less good. back to mason to hang with bender and then kacie. kacie got sick in my basement that night. down to pella the next day. spend a lot of time with fatty, who is still stuck in the same rut as always, but just as loveable. stopped by the cops on the way to see coop at the holiday inn with mase, jay, and fatty. jay preforms brilliantly, no jail for us. george's pizza and marty saucebowl followed by some time at the row. meeting with debi outside the video store on her bike with the pup. stop by satch's place and see aric, ryan, claire, satch, tanner and john; also satch's new friend. back to town. christmas light display is marvelous as always. sleeping at the wolf hangar with a cat stomping on my face. wake up, to the row, through knoxville, around the lake and back to the row. north to wyatt's and wavy. back to town and over to r. paul's. jam with fatty and john incredible. visit the momma next door. over to the pientenpol house to meet up with kileen and alex. leave and go to alo's. see caroline, rachel, taylor, clay and a host of others. feel awkward and bail back to theta. run into vito and matt, cruise out to matt's, then back to theta. get swallowed by a whale with nothing but the devil's quench to satisfy. conversations with jay, dingle, manish, kileen, and alex. eventually get spit out by the whale and end up on the porch watching the snow with kileen and dingle. move jay into living room. say goodbye to dingle. wake up, escape pella. treck to the southside for ty's christmas present, and then snaking through des moines with jay. back to mason city.
3.12.08
more words that won't matter.
(this is a response)
you are right again my dear, calling faults and exposing the weaknesses that have always been there behind my eyes. you couldn't be more correct in some aspects, for i have led you astray intentionally on so many pitiful occasions.
i have said similar words to dissimilar faces, diluting and poisoning the taste of each and every syllable until they no longer have any effect.
the same words though? never.
i have never had the gall to disillusion you to that extent. there has never been any bad intention in my actions, just improper perspective and misguided thinking.
this has never been a game with me. that word in fact made me cringe each and every time you rewrote it. for a game to be constructed, there must be rules and competition, two elements lacking from this long winded epic.
we have both played by a sort of rules i suppose, a silent code penned through careful silent negotiation. at times we have both kept our distance. at times we have both been the one at fault. at times we have both been utterly wrong.
you say i have never been there for you, and i suppose that may be true. however, when did you ever come to me? there have always been other boys, other friends, other comforts for your weary soul. i have never been held to the responsibility of being your shoulder to cry on, and i would relish the opportunity.
when you talk about my meandering dreams of somedays, you are correct. i have no idea what is going to happen as the calender turns and the sun sets on each day. however, you are once again mistaken on one point.
for years i have taken you for granted, i have been despicable. i have been wavering in my judgements and promises. i have made plans and broken them. i have had dreams and have seen them washed away by the tides of age and responsibility. where your lapse in judgement lies is in your precept ion of my current state of mind. i already realize i should be there. i already realize that i should have been there all along.
it has been a long road for me to grow up and see the errors of my way. it has taken time and self-inspection, but finally, after many unsuccessful attempts, i can say that i have changed in measurable ways. you are not around to see it. you would be proud. honestly, you would.
you can not choose who wonders across your thoughts. otherwise, this all would have ended years ago. you are locked inside of my memory and flash across my eyes more often than anyone i have ever had the opportunity of meeting. fairness would grant that you return the favor. even if you quit thinking of me, i would never stand for it. by now, you should realize that.
you have in fact been good to me. as good as anyone. better in fact. i have never meant to walk all of you, and i have never viewed it in such a way. i have never meant to use you, i have never meant to hurt you. i have simply lived selfishly in all aspects for the majority of our relationship with one another. when i look back, i don't see this as clearly as you do, for i never saw it in that light previously. i wish i could understand.
i have run from you. i have run from most good things in this life at one time or another. i have often embraced the worst of habits and forfeited the important things. you are no exception. i run from you because i know that if i stay, i will never be able to leave. you are a trap for me. one brilliantly laid that has ensnared me on many occasions, only to see me run away. i want to be with you, but to be with you is to forfeit all the other girls, all the other nights, all the other empty feelings. i am closer to a point where that is no longer intimidating. i have measured a thousand women against you, and have come to the realization that none of them will ever measure up. i say that in all honesty. there has never been anyone i have had stronger feelings for deep inside my chest. i could live and die with you. i have been coming to grips with that lately and the longer i contemplate it, the truer it rings between my ears.
i may be many terrible and disgusting things, but i am not a coward. you have my open ears if you care to unburden yourself, you have my thoughts to bring you solace. i have never unjustly laid blame upon your shoulders, you have been scared, vague and weak. so have i. i apologize eternally for that. people are all of those things. you bring it out in me more than most. i have been prideful. i have been conceited. i have been despicable. i have been corrupt, misguided and cruel. i never meant to be. i was young and blind. i never had a chance to see what was at hand. i have nothing really to offer that hasn't been there all along. i just have a lot of things that i have worked on, slowly bettering myself through lessons painfully learned. someday you will see this. it will be at your door. much sooner than you anticipate. there is no more point in negligence for me. i will be coming around. for the first time, this is real for me.
listening to -
we are nowhere and it's now - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
old soul song - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
lua - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
train underwater - bright eyes (im wide awake, it's morning)
expo '86 - d.c.f.c. (transatlanticism)
transatlanticism - d.c.f.c. (transatlanticism)
there is so much more - brett dennen (so much more)
fig tree - brett dennen (so much more)
you are right again my dear, calling faults and exposing the weaknesses that have always been there behind my eyes. you couldn't be more correct in some aspects, for i have led you astray intentionally on so many pitiful occasions.
i have said similar words to dissimilar faces, diluting and poisoning the taste of each and every syllable until they no longer have any effect.
the same words though? never.
i have never had the gall to disillusion you to that extent. there has never been any bad intention in my actions, just improper perspective and misguided thinking.
this has never been a game with me. that word in fact made me cringe each and every time you rewrote it. for a game to be constructed, there must be rules and competition, two elements lacking from this long winded epic.
we have both played by a sort of rules i suppose, a silent code penned through careful silent negotiation. at times we have both kept our distance. at times we have both been the one at fault. at times we have both been utterly wrong.
you say i have never been there for you, and i suppose that may be true. however, when did you ever come to me? there have always been other boys, other friends, other comforts for your weary soul. i have never been held to the responsibility of being your shoulder to cry on, and i would relish the opportunity.
when you talk about my meandering dreams of somedays, you are correct. i have no idea what is going to happen as the calender turns and the sun sets on each day. however, you are once again mistaken on one point.
for years i have taken you for granted, i have been despicable. i have been wavering in my judgements and promises. i have made plans and broken them. i have had dreams and have seen them washed away by the tides of age and responsibility. where your lapse in judgement lies is in your precept ion of my current state of mind. i already realize i should be there. i already realize that i should have been there all along.
it has been a long road for me to grow up and see the errors of my way. it has taken time and self-inspection, but finally, after many unsuccessful attempts, i can say that i have changed in measurable ways. you are not around to see it. you would be proud. honestly, you would.
you can not choose who wonders across your thoughts. otherwise, this all would have ended years ago. you are locked inside of my memory and flash across my eyes more often than anyone i have ever had the opportunity of meeting. fairness would grant that you return the favor. even if you quit thinking of me, i would never stand for it. by now, you should realize that.
you have in fact been good to me. as good as anyone. better in fact. i have never meant to walk all of you, and i have never viewed it in such a way. i have never meant to use you, i have never meant to hurt you. i have simply lived selfishly in all aspects for the majority of our relationship with one another. when i look back, i don't see this as clearly as you do, for i never saw it in that light previously. i wish i could understand.
i have run from you. i have run from most good things in this life at one time or another. i have often embraced the worst of habits and forfeited the important things. you are no exception. i run from you because i know that if i stay, i will never be able to leave. you are a trap for me. one brilliantly laid that has ensnared me on many occasions, only to see me run away. i want to be with you, but to be with you is to forfeit all the other girls, all the other nights, all the other empty feelings. i am closer to a point where that is no longer intimidating. i have measured a thousand women against you, and have come to the realization that none of them will ever measure up. i say that in all honesty. there has never been anyone i have had stronger feelings for deep inside my chest. i could live and die with you. i have been coming to grips with that lately and the longer i contemplate it, the truer it rings between my ears.
i may be many terrible and disgusting things, but i am not a coward. you have my open ears if you care to unburden yourself, you have my thoughts to bring you solace. i have never unjustly laid blame upon your shoulders, you have been scared, vague and weak. so have i. i apologize eternally for that. people are all of those things. you bring it out in me more than most. i have been prideful. i have been conceited. i have been despicable. i have been corrupt, misguided and cruel. i never meant to be. i was young and blind. i never had a chance to see what was at hand. i have nothing really to offer that hasn't been there all along. i just have a lot of things that i have worked on, slowly bettering myself through lessons painfully learned. someday you will see this. it will be at your door. much sooner than you anticipate. there is no more point in negligence for me. i will be coming around. for the first time, this is real for me.
listening to -
we are nowhere and it's now - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
old soul song - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
lua - bright eyes (i'm wide awake, it's morning)
train underwater - bright eyes (im wide awake, it's morning)
expo '86 - d.c.f.c. (transatlanticism)
transatlanticism - d.c.f.c. (transatlanticism)
there is so much more - brett dennen (so much more)
fig tree - brett dennen (so much more)
2.12.08
an explination.
i have an excuse, but then again, i always do. you will see through it. you always do. anyway, the excuse:
friday night my telephone died. as soon as i was able, i plugged it in and texted you back. you never responded, which i thought odd because you never sleep.
now that you are still just as angry, or hurt, or disappointed, or whatever else in the spectrum of emotion you are feeling at this moment, i have something for you.
after these last four years and all my miserable failures trying to shape up and treat you how you deserve, it will not mean much. hopefully, it will mean enough.
i apologize.
yet again. i feel like i am always apologizing to you, but i do always mean it with sincerity because one day i will learn my lesson.
one day i will make it all up to you, or at least as much as possible.
you think i'm lying. however, there is nothing i believe more than that.
everytime i let you down it does hurt. i think about you for a vast portion of each and every day. coffee, cigarettes, bright eyes albums, photographs, and basically anything else that i fiercely love, i tie to you. i can't help it. all the things i love most in this world show me a reflection of you.
as these thoughts of you pass through my head, i often sit in silent wonder at why there are even there.
i have come to several conclusions:
1. you scare me terribly. not in a nightmare on elmstreet way, and unlike any fear i have ever come across.
2. i miss being around you. honestly, if i had half the chance, i would want to be around you every second of everyday. geographic and other such circumstances have always prevented this. however, i realize how much you mean to me, and i wish i was a good enough man to actually put in the work and make the distance unimportant.
3. i honestly can not help it.
(end of list for sake of time)
lauren,
we never say the things we mean to say, especially to each other. as two people so gifted with words, you think we would someday find a way around that. i have never stopped holding out for that someday.
when i think about the way things have gone, i am ashamed of myself, simply because better men would see you for what you are. something worth more than my two hands a beating heart.
we go around and around in circles, a cyclical life that seems to find no breaking point. for four years now this has gone on without stopping. i can not see it ever fully stopping, whenever you are too far from me, i have always done my best to bring you back within a manageable distance. i can't see a day coming where that will stop.
i can say that you have been there for me more than anyone. if i have ever needed an open ear, you have listened. more importantly, you have cared.
now, you know me as well as anyone. you know how to make me smile, cringe, scream, cry, and respond to you, and more importantly you can see right through me.
i love that more about you than anything else, and that might be why things are so difficult between us. you can tear me apart limb from limb anytime you choose. no one can break me down like you can, and for some reason i find that incredible.
i am scared of you. i am scared of us. i am scared of me.
i am scared of you because you have potential. when i talk to you or see you, i know that someday everything with us should be right. when i think about my life to come, i always hope that somewhere everything will work out and we will be in the same place. then, without hesitation, i would fall head over heels for you. most days, for a brief second, i already am. i am scared of you because for years i can still talk to you. i can still find you fascinating. i can still want to be with you.
i am scared of us because on paper it should work. we have similar ambitions in life, similar tastes in most everything, and have chemistry. i know that. i know that us together would signal a major change in my life permanently. the lost boy in me is afraid because you mean growing up. it wouldn't work any other way. someday, somewhere in the future, i will accept growing up, and you will be what i want.
i am scared of me because i am bound to screw this up. i sabotage myself all the time. i try to make changes and don't follow through. i make promises and break them. i fail with everything when it comes to you, and i'm afraid that i always will.
just know i care about you.
kevin
friday night my telephone died. as soon as i was able, i plugged it in and texted you back. you never responded, which i thought odd because you never sleep.
now that you are still just as angry, or hurt, or disappointed, or whatever else in the spectrum of emotion you are feeling at this moment, i have something for you.
after these last four years and all my miserable failures trying to shape up and treat you how you deserve, it will not mean much. hopefully, it will mean enough.
i apologize.
yet again. i feel like i am always apologizing to you, but i do always mean it with sincerity because one day i will learn my lesson.
one day i will make it all up to you, or at least as much as possible.
you think i'm lying. however, there is nothing i believe more than that.
everytime i let you down it does hurt. i think about you for a vast portion of each and every day. coffee, cigarettes, bright eyes albums, photographs, and basically anything else that i fiercely love, i tie to you. i can't help it. all the things i love most in this world show me a reflection of you.
as these thoughts of you pass through my head, i often sit in silent wonder at why there are even there.
i have come to several conclusions:
1. you scare me terribly. not in a nightmare on elmstreet way, and unlike any fear i have ever come across.
2. i miss being around you. honestly, if i had half the chance, i would want to be around you every second of everyday. geographic and other such circumstances have always prevented this. however, i realize how much you mean to me, and i wish i was a good enough man to actually put in the work and make the distance unimportant.
3. i honestly can not help it.
(end of list for sake of time)
lauren,
we never say the things we mean to say, especially to each other. as two people so gifted with words, you think we would someday find a way around that. i have never stopped holding out for that someday.
when i think about the way things have gone, i am ashamed of myself, simply because better men would see you for what you are. something worth more than my two hands a beating heart.
we go around and around in circles, a cyclical life that seems to find no breaking point. for four years now this has gone on without stopping. i can not see it ever fully stopping, whenever you are too far from me, i have always done my best to bring you back within a manageable distance. i can't see a day coming where that will stop.
i can say that you have been there for me more than anyone. if i have ever needed an open ear, you have listened. more importantly, you have cared.
now, you know me as well as anyone. you know how to make me smile, cringe, scream, cry, and respond to you, and more importantly you can see right through me.
i love that more about you than anything else, and that might be why things are so difficult between us. you can tear me apart limb from limb anytime you choose. no one can break me down like you can, and for some reason i find that incredible.
i am scared of you. i am scared of us. i am scared of me.
i am scared of you because you have potential. when i talk to you or see you, i know that someday everything with us should be right. when i think about my life to come, i always hope that somewhere everything will work out and we will be in the same place. then, without hesitation, i would fall head over heels for you. most days, for a brief second, i already am. i am scared of you because for years i can still talk to you. i can still find you fascinating. i can still want to be with you.
i am scared of us because on paper it should work. we have similar ambitions in life, similar tastes in most everything, and have chemistry. i know that. i know that us together would signal a major change in my life permanently. the lost boy in me is afraid because you mean growing up. it wouldn't work any other way. someday, somewhere in the future, i will accept growing up, and you will be what i want.
i am scared of me because i am bound to screw this up. i sabotage myself all the time. i try to make changes and don't follow through. i make promises and break them. i fail with everything when it comes to you, and i'm afraid that i always will.
just know i care about you.
kevin
9.11.08
As the late evening of November 4th, 2008 faded into the early morning of the 5th, I experienced a level of elation unlike anything I had previously felt. When President Elect Obama spoke that night, I couldn't help but cry tears of hope for all of the world. Tears of healing for all of us who were disillusioned, who were scared, who were out of hope. For the first time in years I could see hope for not only the United States, but for the entire world. I sat in awe as a man stepped onto the world stage and vowed that this tidal wave of change is not even close to over. He reassured that our fight is simply beginning and that we can restore ourselves to all that we have hoped for. That day I regained a hope in the American people. November 4th, 2008 is a day I will remember more than the towers falling, the bombs dropping on Baghdad, and the thousands of innocents who saw there demise at the hands of the American people. Nothing will ever erase what happened, but the morning of November 5th, all over the world, the sun rose and our day had come once again. From London to Tokyo, Kabul to Sydney, Capetown to Moscow and everywhere in between people were waking up and turning on their televisions to see that this is not the world they had fallen asleep in the night before. People woke up smiling, subtly, to themselves knowing that soon it will not only all end, but with that dawn emerged a new beginning. In the streets of Omaha, New York, Chicago, all across this nation and inside my soul people were dancing. People who see the promise of an energized electorate and a disallusioned American. On November 4th an America emerged from the shifting darkness and started back on the road to America that you and I can both be proud to call home. For the first time in years I will proudly say that I am an American. Finally, I am proud to call myself a patriot for the first time in my life.
21.10.08
on my way.
if you think it hard enough, it really will happen. good or bad, up or down. three years ago i decided to die. it didn't take long. everything changed. my parents moved away, i changed up the friends and girlfriends, and i completely altered all my goals (or got rid of them). it wasn't exactly a conscious decision, i just thought it was a passing down sort of way to spend the days. sitting drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, watching life pass me by and claiming that i was living. well, at first i kidded that i was dead, but quickly realized i was lying about it. then it happened. i should have eaten my words before they ever escaped my mouth. i lived through the songs, the books, the words of others. the stories that said so much about life experience, so much about being free, so much about doing it a different way. i spent the nights with the needle pressing on the saddle creek 50 and tipping back absolute from a dirty water glass. i wanted to fall in love so i could fall out of love. i wanted to run away, i wanted to drop out, i wanted to be a rebel. i wanted to play rock and roll, i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and dance in the rain. i forced myself through the other things, the mind alteration that it would take to be able to talk to the more learned "individuals" with confidence. i faked my way through everything, i lied, i cheated, i stole. not for personal gain, for the ability to be able to say i had done it. i threw away thousands of dollars on driving to shows, buying equipment, pressing cds and making t-shirts. i drove fast just to break the law. i stayed up all night for days on end when all i wanted was to sleep, just so i could tell people during the day that i stayed up all night. i drank thirty cups of coffee just so i could see people as they walked through the row, just so i could tell them that i had drank thirty cups of coffee. i used to hate the taste of coffee. i used to hate the bands i went to see. i used to hate everything i claimed to love.
it's all over now. it broke through. i have no idea when it happened. well, maybe i do, but that is a subject of great debate in my mind currently. i realized what i want. i realized what it takes to get it. i realized that i'm on my way.
it's all over now. it broke through. i have no idea when it happened. well, maybe i do, but that is a subject of great debate in my mind currently. i realized what i want. i realized what it takes to get it. i realized that i'm on my way.
20.10.08
update.
last night i was brimming with great ideas. today, i had the ability to put them in action. tonight, i just want to wake up tomorrow. soon, there will be an update, but not now. now is for dreaming. tomorrow will be bright and busy.
16.10.08
6 month synopsis.
*(i was filling out a survey on myspace. please don't quit reading this forever just because i actually opened a post that way. wow. this must be getting worse with time. anyway, i was filling out a survey on myspace and it asked me what had changed in 2008. i am now going to march through quick memories from the months as to not forget.)
01.08.
new's years at gabe's own personal oasis. backing eugene the jeep into the ditch and leaving it there for three days, spending the time with riley and aric. forming lung cancer with john, dustin, and kyler. quitting lung cancer. getting car out of ditch. heading back to mason city. seeing hannah for the last time until later noted. moving back to pella. my short stint in pietenpol with kyler and the gang. interviewing, convincing, and moving into cmcc house. starting and quitting the ray. hanging out with nicole for the last time as actual, no feelings friends. drifting apart from hannah. into to broadway class. no money for books, too slow applying for loans. they never arrived until...
02.08
loans came in. bought most of my books. not all of them. start asking questions about hannah and finding terrible answers. quit talking with her completely and then try a bunch of things out. really not a good time. lauren, kelsey, elizabeth, maybe others. spent the rest of the loan money on living expenses and the vito endeavor. wore a red and gray scrilla everyday. requit smoking. got bad sinus cold from sudden moisture. started missing classes. moved off campus into the white house with john and fatty. candle nights with no furniture, lots of incense, and no furniture. the eventual gaining of furniture to the house. taking pride in keeping it clean. taking pride in being on our own. house show at gabe's for new look lung cancer. bottle of captain ripping through the back pocket of my pants. rachel getting locked out. getting really sick of central campus food. starting to drift from the entire college scence with more and more nights at the white house.
03.08
good visits from anton start on a weekly basis, and things with vito getting good. got to know bobby from cec, and realized how crazy life can be, and how things can control you. had a very drunk women i have never met claim to be a fortune teller of sorts in my living room at noon on a saturday. spending time with alec. lots of conversations with ricky, plans with ricky, execution with ricky. meeting kileen and sharing a bed the first night we knew each other, sleeping head to foot. started to get nervous about missing classes. sought help in eric jones. decided to withdraw from introduction to broadway and composition. started going back to logic, enviro. history and politics, and u.s. in world affairs. hopelessly lost in logic. dropping logic, and being bummed because i don't have an excuse to see ky or lizzie three days a week anymore. holding hands with nicole under a blanket out of nowhere. rethinking that whole thing. jumping. falling. landing back on campus in the cmcc house. the first day the temperature hit fifty hols, claire, john, alex, mark, fatty, vito and i went out to our overlook at the lake near cordova and had a bbq. hols climbed a tree, and we all tried to see how far we could throw our last snowballs of the year. fatty starts talking about moving. hanging out with nicole, sort of. talking about all of that. watching movies and listening to konstantine. spring break spent on couch back at white house with nothing going on campus. hanging out with hols before school, alex during school, and fifteen other people nightly after school. watching the wizard of oz with melissa. hanging out with her mom having heart to hearts with her mom while she was working. fell in love with her family. kind of just let it go when things got more distant with john and fatty. picked nicole because she was friends with my friends and more open to the things that i'm used to doing. i didn't want to break melissa's heart. i was too scared of that. she was way too good for me, and i knew it. i just could have been better, but was too afraid to try. let things progress with nicole.
04.08
started fighting with nicole for the vast majority of everyday. during the first one had a mental breakdown the likes of which i haven't seen since i couldn't get caroline off my mind. where caroline would have bailed and said i was acting weird (leaving ms. vanderwell to pick up the pieces everytime), nicole stayed and literally held, me. my head was collapsed on her shoulder and she soothed me. she made it all okay. it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done to me. it changed my outlook, and i think also made me want to have more lows so she could pick me up. maybe not. maybe the thousands fights after that weren't picked so we could make up. i have a feeling a lot of them were. she stole my heart that night. i didn't even know i still had it laying around somewhere. rumors started flying back and forth through all thirty people that were at the white house everyday. fatty was jealous, but telling me it was fine. john certainly didn't seem happy about either. everyone else was starting to get sick of hearing about it. infighting started. trained at super eight during the day. weird afternoon after that. hung out with ricky more and more to keep my mind off the way everything else was falling apart. getting an a on a fifteen page paper in u.s. and world affairs. still not afloat. not owning all the books starting to kill me. in an attempt to stay more connected with campus, i started hanging with more of the theta's than just ricky. eventually met clare, kelsey, laura, and dave. throwing up all over dave's kitchen on the 2oth. playing games with everyone mentioned with dave plus ricky and rachel weezy. living at the house with vito, and john. fatty moves out and eventually into joey's place. nicole starts hanging there. i keep to the white house. division in friends is getting stranger. working nights at the super eight starts to get old fast, even with late night visits from john, maxxwell, vito and a host of others. start working at george's again. have a lot of fun with the familiarity and the sense of belonging. making good money between the two jobs, especially with pleanty of income coming from everywhere. prom with a thousand people passing through our house before. then just gill, utah, vito and i sticking around. gill runs to des moines. comes back, and then the night begins. split up with gill and roll with utah and vito. teach utah life lessons like pumping gas and tell him pleanty of advice. get to shera's. play actual ping pong and drink imported beers with ship and dillon fontana. have a good talk with nicole who looked like belle from beauty in the beast in her prom dress. it was the first time in life a girl i was involved with actually walked into a room and took my breath away. fights with nicole still getting worse. everybody starting to get way sick of it. fatty's mom moves back to pella, and pitches plan to fatty and i about him moving to arkansas. i tell her that i will help him see that is a good option. meet ben and start spending odd weekend nights going to parties with him and bringing him with me. watching him get arrested at gill's house and seeing how much trust you have to actually have in people. out smarting a cop. early spring walks in normanland with john and claire, quickly change into adventures with john, claire, and hols. couldn't be happier about it. got to know holsy better than ever, and realized how much he means to me. saw in him how to be a listener, a doer, and most of all a good friend. started to really look at myself. luke, and maxxwell join john, vito, and i to form five. jonny b. shows back up in town with his girlfriend brooklyn, and they start basically living at our house as well. lots of days spent bowling and rolling with jonny, fatty, alex, vito and mark.
05.08
i realize there is no chance for me to finish my classes, but go to all of them anyway, knowing i am going to fail, but getting ready to take finals. dodging eric because i don't want to let him down and tell him that there is no way i can get through all the make-up work for the pathetic two classes that were still on my schedule. managed to get past it and start thinking about post central plans. tulip time with caroline, caroline, jenny, and john. the split in the major friend group was completely visable for the first time. walking by nicole with caroline, and trying to play it like i knew i shouldn't be doing it. the back room of the basement with caroline, caroline, and jenny and then walking to westmarket, finding a wolf shirt, and enlightening mrs. visser on the finer points of my life. parade on the porch with crazy bobby and drunk jane. then, the work weekend from hell. two-thirty to ten-thirty at george's washing dishes. brought me back to being fifteen and was a lot of fun. never got behind all night. felt great about how the other guys realized how much better we all were at our jobs without ever trying a few years ago. bonded with guys in the back, making cigarette breaks a lot more enjoyable at work for the rest of my stay in pella. then i worked the over night from eleven to seven at the super eight. i missed a party at our house and worried about nicole until she showed up and sat on the roll away ben in the back with me, our feet up against the wall. i cried, and she cried. we decided to try and make things work. she left and i hadn't say all i had to say. spent the night writing her a letter and then gave it to her the next day. it was an honest letter, but not the right words put together. the next morning i went to bed as luke was getting up for work. slept until ten. nicole came and woke me up in my bed before she had maching band. maddie was there. they started to talk, and then nicole left for the parade. maddie and i went up to spy on luke's beard-net, and then ended up meeting up with some of her friends from des moines. we also ran into mitch and kayla, along with the lewis parents. then i ran off to work at george's, where i waited tables until close to midnight, but was proud to point out my "girlfriend" to my co-workers as the band passed by in the last parade of the weekend. the older waitresses were impressed, and the mexican's just made a hissing sound through their teeth. this was a little joke that had started with elizabeth and then got funnier when every night i wouldn't work i would come in with a different girl during the summer after my senior year of highschool. finished work and hung out with nicole, she helped me pack up my the last of my things at cmcc house, and then overslept her curfew when we both fell asleep from exhaustion. eventually she woke up and i frantically drove her home. passed by the white house and thought it looked pretty quiet, so i found my way to the basement for some therapy with vito and mark. awoke the next morning in a daze and made it to george's fifteen minutes later than planned on at ten fifteen. worked with gia, bella, taylor, and tanna and had a blast talking about how much i liked nicole. they would immediatly talk to her about it. not what she needed to hear with everyone sick of hearing about people talking about it. i biked home from george's at two headed straight back into the basement with a whole host of people. was not ready for work by four o' clock, but made it on time anyway and in the same clothes from that morning. worked with caroline for one of the first time's since she started working at george's again. i flirted with her, but i think she was just acting normal back. at the time it seemed like more. she was dating peter. got through work at george's by eleven. ran home for an hour and then went off to work at the super eight until seven the next morning. would have gone to bed then, but my mom was visting and i hadn't seen her since easter. i walked up to the windmill cafe and ate with alison, tyler schipper and her. it was nice to see her, but bad to know that she would be getting my grades soon. the rest of the study day i spent with ricky. he was getting ready to head back to texas, and i was really dreading it. he had been my partner in crime(s), a trusted confidant, and a somewhat of a mentor. we cruised all the roads we always took: the loop down elevator and back past hol's cabin, t-14 north to wyatt's, and every other one we could think of. we got no studying done, and eventually four o'clock came around and i went to work. worked with caroline again and thought that something was there again and we made plans to hang out, albeit with her boyfriend. i left george's and walked home, in a hurry to get to the hotel. fit nicole in somehow between changing clothes and getting ready for work. we kind of fought. we were kind of okay. by that point, every six words turned out to be the distance between war and peace, and thousands of them were being spoken about us by everyone we knew everyday. no one wanted to hear it at all. i ended up going to the super eight again and then writing nicole yet another letter. that one was less genuine, more just because i have a tendency to do things like a broken record: repetative until all sense of originality and artistry are lost. i made it through the night barely, waking up at one point to find the keyboard outlined on my reflection when i went to the bathroom, the result of heavy eyes from the eighty plus hours i had worked in the past four days. i got off work and received a phone from a very angry mother of a son who i had met in the street a few weeks before. she seemed adiment of meeting ricky and i, and we were not very obliged. i ran around campus looking for ricky, going from each of his known girlfriends doors to the next and eventually found him. i knocked at the door, and it sounded like he struggled for awhile to put clothes on. then he emerged in only his boxers. i would have found it funny had there not been a very angry woman threatening to send me to jail on the phone. we made a plan and put the wheels in motion as i ran home changed, called anton, claire, and hols, and then managed to make it to my environmental history and politics final half an hour after i started. it seemed fitting seeing as i had rarely shown my face except for the last month and a half, and mr. james zaffiro did not seem to mind at all. i took it to the best of my ability, and more than likely failed it, i have never in fact checked the score, but someday i may. maybe i will just leave it a mystery. i finished up my finals that afternoon collapsed on the front porch of the white house. which at this point, with school officially out for the year, was now my only definative home. during tulip time fatty had in fact moved to arkansas, i was working too much to really notice or say goodbye, knowing he would be back. fatty being gone took some of the stress off nicole and i, and things looked somewhat brighter. everything was looking brighter: i had the weight of school off my shoulders (only a burden in mental strain, not actual time constraints), the summer was setting in, i had nothing to look forward to except for hanging out and then working my two jobs i had previously been balancing with school. jonny b. and brooklyn moved out of the house rather aprubtly as luke and maxx started to feel more at home. i have no idea to this day where they went for the next few weeks after that. john, anton, kyler, and i started jamming everyday, and the result was the original tony rocky horror. partytime also started up, and pella was well on its way to being versed in circle pits and house shows. everyone moved back: riley, wyatt, satch, and even ashley for a brief stint before heading off to iowa city for the rest of the summer. a tour was planned with partytime and colonizer. i was given an offer to go along with party time. i accepted. everything in my life started to be geared towards making it to tour, as things started to fall apart around the house. our hot water was shut off perminantly, and the dishes in the sink began to attract insects from the unscreened windows. the kitchen became a place to avoid, and the rest of the house just started to become a disaster. it was starting to look like a two bedroom house shouldn't house a minimum of five people on any given day. with satch and company back, john started to hang out with them nightly. i started to work out a routine of getting off work around ten, hanging or fighting with nicole until around eleven thirty (when she had to be home), and then heading over to suzannes. we passed our stories around and ended up in far off places. i quit working at super eight so i could go to suzanne's one night. those nights were golden. i would leave and bike home in the wee hours of the morning, only to find vito and utah sitting in the basement waiting for my to arrive. i would go to bed around seven, wake up around noon, and then get back at the day. may faded in to june in an indescript way.
o6.08
wyatt and i started catch up and spend most everyday together. the eve of his twentieth birthday we sat in the loft of his barn and talked about the things in life that were looming until five in the morning. we started talking about how terrible an age twenty is, and how it was the first birthday he wasn't looking forward to getting older. as the smoke lifted through the dust in the highest rafters, the sun started to come up and i headed home. it reminded me that no matter what different paths people go down, if you are cut from the same cloth you will always find common bonds. we spoke like we did when we were fifteen, a million miles a minute and in big hurried voices; trying to show both how far we had come, and how we were smart enough to go so much further. i met brett the first day he moved into my house. he was a certified alcoholic, great guy, and genuine tough guy from detroit who was doing vocals for sender receiver. a couple days later we left on the partytime/colonizer tour. i rode with colonizer because maxx and luke kicked me out of their van before we had even left town. we ate at grocery stores and sweated on sidewalks, and in our van we listened to ska the entire way. i have never gotten into ska, and it was not a fun time for me. in witchita i met raphael and shared good conversation and some pbr's until the sun came up. in lincoln we went to the ghost house, and i thought i fell in love for about twelve minutes. that was when i knew things were never going to get better with nicole. they were dead officially in my mind on that day. we arrived back in pella on a sunday i believe, and things at the white house had changed. due to an incident while we were gone on tour, no one was feeling welcome there any longer, and it suited us fine. luke, maxx, and brett moved out. they would go on to open the wolfhanger, named for the magnet of a wolf howling at the moon that had swiped from the side of my jeep. when they moved out, john started to be a ghost around the house. only ever really there to change clothes at first, and then to make sure we hadn't totally lost his deposit. we painted the walls a deep blue color and tried to decorate. out attempts at style muffed by our careless attention to detail. john and i then ventured to iowa city with wyatt and satch. wyatt and i met up with mason and relived our highschool glory days until somewhere around midnight i received a phone call. the party of the evening in pella had been somehow moved to john and i's house, which we were now only sharing with vito. this at first had upset me. then the news was reported that vito had been severely intoxicated and driven my car. not only had he driven my jeep, but he had managed to crash it. not only had he crashed it, he had crashed it into the side of our house. i was ferious, and fought with anyone there who would get on the phone. this made the split complete. for the rest of my time in pella, things inside of the original group of friends (alex, fatty, anton, john, ship, matt, jon, vito, etc., ect., ect.) would never be the same. i left nicole and vito both in tears with the things i said over the phone. eventually, it was all smoothed over, vito paid and put in personal man hours to fix the body damage to the jeep, and all was forgiven. i was still working at george's, and with caroline, and i had never really thought about not having a crush on her since i had met her. i started to push for more hanging out, and there were parties at richards, basement parties, and even the occasional afternoons watching the o.c. from my air mattress (maxx had taken my bed when he moved out, along with many of my other possessions). these were friendly gestures to me, and eventually i started to realize that relationship was dead as well, a casualty of my childhood. i was still making trips back and forth to des moines and started to talk to taylor again. i made a circut of stopping in norwalk to vist the pharo and alec, sliding northwest to spend some time with taylor in windsor heights, and then cutting back through the city and down 1-63 to pella. on one fateful day i was running low on both cash and fuel and managed to run out of gas near the west des moines public library. taylor came and visited me, and her dad eyed my like i was some sort of underground druglord waiting to prey upon his daughter in the library parking lot. mark eventually showed up and gave me a ride back to pella, abondoning the car where it had died in a parking space near the back of the library. once back in pella, things progressed as usual through the next couple days (omitting the fact that i no longer had a vehicle) and then several opportunites arrived to get the jeep back. eventually, while deep in a nap, vito and i got the van keys from ross and we drove to west demoines to get my vehicle. we dropped by to see alec, and then dropped in at taylor. before taylor's though we went to retrive the jeep. it was now sitting on a flat tire, but we tipped the gas can in and decided to drive up to the kum and go a few blocks away. the jeep never made it. two blocks in we were shooting sparks and turning heads, so we banked it into a wall greens parking lot and abandoned it once again. we then drove through the winding streets of windsor heights to taylor's house. she was having a girls night of sorts and we were momentarily the life of the party. she seemed cute agian all of a sudden, and even though things with nicole hadn't been audibly closed forever, it was looking like they were heading that way. before the night got too intense, vito drove us back to pella. on the way i was careful to avoid to devil in the trash dump and to make friends with the man in the moon. the rest of the night was filled with rare moments shared with vito, gill, and then eventually only myself. i started to contemplate my direction in life around four in the morning and for the first time i took moving back to mason city as a serious option. by the next week it would become a reality. after a several days of recovery, and a trip to iowa city with caroline, jenny, and john, i realized i was growing a tail. at first it seemed as though there was a marble underneath my skin at the very bottom of my spine. in time (about three days), this ballooned to be roughly the size of a hacky sack. i was rendered immombile, and finally had to do the one thing i had been dreading: call home for help. in a matter of days my problems were fixed in a way. a new car was put on the jeep, and my mom drove down and brought me to the hospital. i had a polynoidal cyst that would require surgery, and i headed to mason city to get that completed. following a couple days of rest and relaxation i went back down i-35, picked up taylor and went to pella. i was freshly bandaged and getting ready for our lease to expire in a couple of days time. taylor sat with me, talked with me, and cared for me while i was recovering. then, i decided to move back to mason city. in an instant. it was not long or drawn out. it had crossed my mind on occasion, but had always been rapidly dismissed. i had utah boy back my truck into the front yard and loaded it to the gills from the porch. i haphazardly tied things down and then took off for the what i have often referred to as my lonely northern outpost. the day was june 30.
01.08.
new's years at gabe's own personal oasis. backing eugene the jeep into the ditch and leaving it there for three days, spending the time with riley and aric. forming lung cancer with john, dustin, and kyler. quitting lung cancer. getting car out of ditch. heading back to mason city. seeing hannah for the last time until later noted. moving back to pella. my short stint in pietenpol with kyler and the gang. interviewing, convincing, and moving into cmcc house. starting and quitting the ray. hanging out with nicole for the last time as actual, no feelings friends. drifting apart from hannah. into to broadway class. no money for books, too slow applying for loans. they never arrived until...
02.08
loans came in. bought most of my books. not all of them. start asking questions about hannah and finding terrible answers. quit talking with her completely and then try a bunch of things out. really not a good time. lauren, kelsey, elizabeth, maybe others. spent the rest of the loan money on living expenses and the vito endeavor. wore a red and gray scrilla everyday. requit smoking. got bad sinus cold from sudden moisture. started missing classes. moved off campus into the white house with john and fatty. candle nights with no furniture, lots of incense, and no furniture. the eventual gaining of furniture to the house. taking pride in keeping it clean. taking pride in being on our own. house show at gabe's for new look lung cancer. bottle of captain ripping through the back pocket of my pants. rachel getting locked out. getting really sick of central campus food. starting to drift from the entire college scence with more and more nights at the white house.
03.08
good visits from anton start on a weekly basis, and things with vito getting good. got to know bobby from cec, and realized how crazy life can be, and how things can control you. had a very drunk women i have never met claim to be a fortune teller of sorts in my living room at noon on a saturday. spending time with alec. lots of conversations with ricky, plans with ricky, execution with ricky. meeting kileen and sharing a bed the first night we knew each other, sleeping head to foot. started to get nervous about missing classes. sought help in eric jones. decided to withdraw from introduction to broadway and composition. started going back to logic, enviro. history and politics, and u.s. in world affairs. hopelessly lost in logic. dropping logic, and being bummed because i don't have an excuse to see ky or lizzie three days a week anymore. holding hands with nicole under a blanket out of nowhere. rethinking that whole thing. jumping. falling. landing back on campus in the cmcc house. the first day the temperature hit fifty hols, claire, john, alex, mark, fatty, vito and i went out to our overlook at the lake near cordova and had a bbq. hols climbed a tree, and we all tried to see how far we could throw our last snowballs of the year. fatty starts talking about moving. hanging out with nicole, sort of. talking about all of that. watching movies and listening to konstantine. spring break spent on couch back at white house with nothing going on campus. hanging out with hols before school, alex during school, and fifteen other people nightly after school. watching the wizard of oz with melissa. hanging out with her mom having heart to hearts with her mom while she was working. fell in love with her family. kind of just let it go when things got more distant with john and fatty. picked nicole because she was friends with my friends and more open to the things that i'm used to doing. i didn't want to break melissa's heart. i was too scared of that. she was way too good for me, and i knew it. i just could have been better, but was too afraid to try. let things progress with nicole.
04.08
started fighting with nicole for the vast majority of everyday. during the first one had a mental breakdown the likes of which i haven't seen since i couldn't get caroline off my mind. where caroline would have bailed and said i was acting weird (leaving ms. vanderwell to pick up the pieces everytime), nicole stayed and literally held, me. my head was collapsed on her shoulder and she soothed me. she made it all okay. it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done to me. it changed my outlook, and i think also made me want to have more lows so she could pick me up. maybe not. maybe the thousands fights after that weren't picked so we could make up. i have a feeling a lot of them were. she stole my heart that night. i didn't even know i still had it laying around somewhere. rumors started flying back and forth through all thirty people that were at the white house everyday. fatty was jealous, but telling me it was fine. john certainly didn't seem happy about either. everyone else was starting to get sick of hearing about it. infighting started. trained at super eight during the day. weird afternoon after that. hung out with ricky more and more to keep my mind off the way everything else was falling apart. getting an a on a fifteen page paper in u.s. and world affairs. still not afloat. not owning all the books starting to kill me. in an attempt to stay more connected with campus, i started hanging with more of the theta's than just ricky. eventually met clare, kelsey, laura, and dave. throwing up all over dave's kitchen on the 2oth. playing games with everyone mentioned with dave plus ricky and rachel weezy. living at the house with vito, and john. fatty moves out and eventually into joey's place. nicole starts hanging there. i keep to the white house. division in friends is getting stranger. working nights at the super eight starts to get old fast, even with late night visits from john, maxxwell, vito and a host of others. start working at george's again. have a lot of fun with the familiarity and the sense of belonging. making good money between the two jobs, especially with pleanty of income coming from everywhere. prom with a thousand people passing through our house before. then just gill, utah, vito and i sticking around. gill runs to des moines. comes back, and then the night begins. split up with gill and roll with utah and vito. teach utah life lessons like pumping gas and tell him pleanty of advice. get to shera's. play actual ping pong and drink imported beers with ship and dillon fontana. have a good talk with nicole who looked like belle from beauty in the beast in her prom dress. it was the first time in life a girl i was involved with actually walked into a room and took my breath away. fights with nicole still getting worse. everybody starting to get way sick of it. fatty's mom moves back to pella, and pitches plan to fatty and i about him moving to arkansas. i tell her that i will help him see that is a good option. meet ben and start spending odd weekend nights going to parties with him and bringing him with me. watching him get arrested at gill's house and seeing how much trust you have to actually have in people. out smarting a cop. early spring walks in normanland with john and claire, quickly change into adventures with john, claire, and hols. couldn't be happier about it. got to know holsy better than ever, and realized how much he means to me. saw in him how to be a listener, a doer, and most of all a good friend. started to really look at myself. luke, and maxxwell join john, vito, and i to form five. jonny b. shows back up in town with his girlfriend brooklyn, and they start basically living at our house as well. lots of days spent bowling and rolling with jonny, fatty, alex, vito and mark.
05.08
i realize there is no chance for me to finish my classes, but go to all of them anyway, knowing i am going to fail, but getting ready to take finals. dodging eric because i don't want to let him down and tell him that there is no way i can get through all the make-up work for the pathetic two classes that were still on my schedule. managed to get past it and start thinking about post central plans. tulip time with caroline, caroline, jenny, and john. the split in the major friend group was completely visable for the first time. walking by nicole with caroline, and trying to play it like i knew i shouldn't be doing it. the back room of the basement with caroline, caroline, and jenny and then walking to westmarket, finding a wolf shirt, and enlightening mrs. visser on the finer points of my life. parade on the porch with crazy bobby and drunk jane. then, the work weekend from hell. two-thirty to ten-thirty at george's washing dishes. brought me back to being fifteen and was a lot of fun. never got behind all night. felt great about how the other guys realized how much better we all were at our jobs without ever trying a few years ago. bonded with guys in the back, making cigarette breaks a lot more enjoyable at work for the rest of my stay in pella. then i worked the over night from eleven to seven at the super eight. i missed a party at our house and worried about nicole until she showed up and sat on the roll away ben in the back with me, our feet up against the wall. i cried, and she cried. we decided to try and make things work. she left and i hadn't say all i had to say. spent the night writing her a letter and then gave it to her the next day. it was an honest letter, but not the right words put together. the next morning i went to bed as luke was getting up for work. slept until ten. nicole came and woke me up in my bed before she had maching band. maddie was there. they started to talk, and then nicole left for the parade. maddie and i went up to spy on luke's beard-net, and then ended up meeting up with some of her friends from des moines. we also ran into mitch and kayla, along with the lewis parents. then i ran off to work at george's, where i waited tables until close to midnight, but was proud to point out my "girlfriend" to my co-workers as the band passed by in the last parade of the weekend. the older waitresses were impressed, and the mexican's just made a hissing sound through their teeth. this was a little joke that had started with elizabeth and then got funnier when every night i wouldn't work i would come in with a different girl during the summer after my senior year of highschool. finished work and hung out with nicole, she helped me pack up my the last of my things at cmcc house, and then overslept her curfew when we both fell asleep from exhaustion. eventually she woke up and i frantically drove her home. passed by the white house and thought it looked pretty quiet, so i found my way to the basement for some therapy with vito and mark. awoke the next morning in a daze and made it to george's fifteen minutes later than planned on at ten fifteen. worked with gia, bella, taylor, and tanna and had a blast talking about how much i liked nicole. they would immediatly talk to her about it. not what she needed to hear with everyone sick of hearing about people talking about it. i biked home from george's at two headed straight back into the basement with a whole host of people. was not ready for work by four o' clock, but made it on time anyway and in the same clothes from that morning. worked with caroline for one of the first time's since she started working at george's again. i flirted with her, but i think she was just acting normal back. at the time it seemed like more. she was dating peter. got through work at george's by eleven. ran home for an hour and then went off to work at the super eight until seven the next morning. would have gone to bed then, but my mom was visting and i hadn't seen her since easter. i walked up to the windmill cafe and ate with alison, tyler schipper and her. it was nice to see her, but bad to know that she would be getting my grades soon. the rest of the study day i spent with ricky. he was getting ready to head back to texas, and i was really dreading it. he had been my partner in crime(s), a trusted confidant, and a somewhat of a mentor. we cruised all the roads we always took: the loop down elevator and back past hol's cabin, t-14 north to wyatt's, and every other one we could think of. we got no studying done, and eventually four o'clock came around and i went to work. worked with caroline again and thought that something was there again and we made plans to hang out, albeit with her boyfriend. i left george's and walked home, in a hurry to get to the hotel. fit nicole in somehow between changing clothes and getting ready for work. we kind of fought. we were kind of okay. by that point, every six words turned out to be the distance between war and peace, and thousands of them were being spoken about us by everyone we knew everyday. no one wanted to hear it at all. i ended up going to the super eight again and then writing nicole yet another letter. that one was less genuine, more just because i have a tendency to do things like a broken record: repetative until all sense of originality and artistry are lost. i made it through the night barely, waking up at one point to find the keyboard outlined on my reflection when i went to the bathroom, the result of heavy eyes from the eighty plus hours i had worked in the past four days. i got off work and received a phone from a very angry mother of a son who i had met in the street a few weeks before. she seemed adiment of meeting ricky and i, and we were not very obliged. i ran around campus looking for ricky, going from each of his known girlfriends doors to the next and eventually found him. i knocked at the door, and it sounded like he struggled for awhile to put clothes on. then he emerged in only his boxers. i would have found it funny had there not been a very angry woman threatening to send me to jail on the phone. we made a plan and put the wheels in motion as i ran home changed, called anton, claire, and hols, and then managed to make it to my environmental history and politics final half an hour after i started. it seemed fitting seeing as i had rarely shown my face except for the last month and a half, and mr. james zaffiro did not seem to mind at all. i took it to the best of my ability, and more than likely failed it, i have never in fact checked the score, but someday i may. maybe i will just leave it a mystery. i finished up my finals that afternoon collapsed on the front porch of the white house. which at this point, with school officially out for the year, was now my only definative home. during tulip time fatty had in fact moved to arkansas, i was working too much to really notice or say goodbye, knowing he would be back. fatty being gone took some of the stress off nicole and i, and things looked somewhat brighter. everything was looking brighter: i had the weight of school off my shoulders (only a burden in mental strain, not actual time constraints), the summer was setting in, i had nothing to look forward to except for hanging out and then working my two jobs i had previously been balancing with school. jonny b. and brooklyn moved out of the house rather aprubtly as luke and maxx started to feel more at home. i have no idea to this day where they went for the next few weeks after that. john, anton, kyler, and i started jamming everyday, and the result was the original tony rocky horror. partytime also started up, and pella was well on its way to being versed in circle pits and house shows. everyone moved back: riley, wyatt, satch, and even ashley for a brief stint before heading off to iowa city for the rest of the summer. a tour was planned with partytime and colonizer. i was given an offer to go along with party time. i accepted. everything in my life started to be geared towards making it to tour, as things started to fall apart around the house. our hot water was shut off perminantly, and the dishes in the sink began to attract insects from the unscreened windows. the kitchen became a place to avoid, and the rest of the house just started to become a disaster. it was starting to look like a two bedroom house shouldn't house a minimum of five people on any given day. with satch and company back, john started to hang out with them nightly. i started to work out a routine of getting off work around ten, hanging or fighting with nicole until around eleven thirty (when she had to be home), and then heading over to suzannes. we passed our stories around and ended up in far off places. i quit working at super eight so i could go to suzanne's one night. those nights were golden. i would leave and bike home in the wee hours of the morning, only to find vito and utah sitting in the basement waiting for my to arrive. i would go to bed around seven, wake up around noon, and then get back at the day. may faded in to june in an indescript way.
o6.08
wyatt and i started catch up and spend most everyday together. the eve of his twentieth birthday we sat in the loft of his barn and talked about the things in life that were looming until five in the morning. we started talking about how terrible an age twenty is, and how it was the first birthday he wasn't looking forward to getting older. as the smoke lifted through the dust in the highest rafters, the sun started to come up and i headed home. it reminded me that no matter what different paths people go down, if you are cut from the same cloth you will always find common bonds. we spoke like we did when we were fifteen, a million miles a minute and in big hurried voices; trying to show both how far we had come, and how we were smart enough to go so much further. i met brett the first day he moved into my house. he was a certified alcoholic, great guy, and genuine tough guy from detroit who was doing vocals for sender receiver. a couple days later we left on the partytime/colonizer tour. i rode with colonizer because maxx and luke kicked me out of their van before we had even left town. we ate at grocery stores and sweated on sidewalks, and in our van we listened to ska the entire way. i have never gotten into ska, and it was not a fun time for me. in witchita i met raphael and shared good conversation and some pbr's until the sun came up. in lincoln we went to the ghost house, and i thought i fell in love for about twelve minutes. that was when i knew things were never going to get better with nicole. they were dead officially in my mind on that day. we arrived back in pella on a sunday i believe, and things at the white house had changed. due to an incident while we were gone on tour, no one was feeling welcome there any longer, and it suited us fine. luke, maxx, and brett moved out. they would go on to open the wolfhanger, named for the magnet of a wolf howling at the moon that had swiped from the side of my jeep. when they moved out, john started to be a ghost around the house. only ever really there to change clothes at first, and then to make sure we hadn't totally lost his deposit. we painted the walls a deep blue color and tried to decorate. out attempts at style muffed by our careless attention to detail. john and i then ventured to iowa city with wyatt and satch. wyatt and i met up with mason and relived our highschool glory days until somewhere around midnight i received a phone call. the party of the evening in pella had been somehow moved to john and i's house, which we were now only sharing with vito. this at first had upset me. then the news was reported that vito had been severely intoxicated and driven my car. not only had he driven my jeep, but he had managed to crash it. not only had he crashed it, he had crashed it into the side of our house. i was ferious, and fought with anyone there who would get on the phone. this made the split complete. for the rest of my time in pella, things inside of the original group of friends (alex, fatty, anton, john, ship, matt, jon, vito, etc., ect., ect.) would never be the same. i left nicole and vito both in tears with the things i said over the phone. eventually, it was all smoothed over, vito paid and put in personal man hours to fix the body damage to the jeep, and all was forgiven. i was still working at george's, and with caroline, and i had never really thought about not having a crush on her since i had met her. i started to push for more hanging out, and there were parties at richards, basement parties, and even the occasional afternoons watching the o.c. from my air mattress (maxx had taken my bed when he moved out, along with many of my other possessions). these were friendly gestures to me, and eventually i started to realize that relationship was dead as well, a casualty of my childhood. i was still making trips back and forth to des moines and started to talk to taylor again. i made a circut of stopping in norwalk to vist the pharo and alec, sliding northwest to spend some time with taylor in windsor heights, and then cutting back through the city and down 1-63 to pella. on one fateful day i was running low on both cash and fuel and managed to run out of gas near the west des moines public library. taylor came and visited me, and her dad eyed my like i was some sort of underground druglord waiting to prey upon his daughter in the library parking lot. mark eventually showed up and gave me a ride back to pella, abondoning the car where it had died in a parking space near the back of the library. once back in pella, things progressed as usual through the next couple days (omitting the fact that i no longer had a vehicle) and then several opportunites arrived to get the jeep back. eventually, while deep in a nap, vito and i got the van keys from ross and we drove to west demoines to get my vehicle. we dropped by to see alec, and then dropped in at taylor. before taylor's though we went to retrive the jeep. it was now sitting on a flat tire, but we tipped the gas can in and decided to drive up to the kum and go a few blocks away. the jeep never made it. two blocks in we were shooting sparks and turning heads, so we banked it into a wall greens parking lot and abandoned it once again. we then drove through the winding streets of windsor heights to taylor's house. she was having a girls night of sorts and we were momentarily the life of the party. she seemed cute agian all of a sudden, and even though things with nicole hadn't been audibly closed forever, it was looking like they were heading that way. before the night got too intense, vito drove us back to pella. on the way i was careful to avoid to devil in the trash dump and to make friends with the man in the moon. the rest of the night was filled with rare moments shared with vito, gill, and then eventually only myself. i started to contemplate my direction in life around four in the morning and for the first time i took moving back to mason city as a serious option. by the next week it would become a reality. after a several days of recovery, and a trip to iowa city with caroline, jenny, and john, i realized i was growing a tail. at first it seemed as though there was a marble underneath my skin at the very bottom of my spine. in time (about three days), this ballooned to be roughly the size of a hacky sack. i was rendered immombile, and finally had to do the one thing i had been dreading: call home for help. in a matter of days my problems were fixed in a way. a new car was put on the jeep, and my mom drove down and brought me to the hospital. i had a polynoidal cyst that would require surgery, and i headed to mason city to get that completed. following a couple days of rest and relaxation i went back down i-35, picked up taylor and went to pella. i was freshly bandaged and getting ready for our lease to expire in a couple of days time. taylor sat with me, talked with me, and cared for me while i was recovering. then, i decided to move back to mason city. in an instant. it was not long or drawn out. it had crossed my mind on occasion, but had always been rapidly dismissed. i had utah boy back my truck into the front yard and loaded it to the gills from the porch. i haphazardly tied things down and then took off for the what i have often referred to as my lonely northern outpost. the day was june 30.
15.10.08
undecided.
i am as of yet still undecided. i have shown my cards and played committed, but i still linger in that space just between her grasp and mine.
i can't fathom what will push me closer, but the things she does and says are throwing me away from her. i can't help it.
we are very different. maybe too different. as wild and crazy of a kid as i have been, i have no exploits to rival the things she does each night as i watch in a nervous mix of anxiety and embarrassment. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
she makes me think how much better you are. you would be. without even a second thought or trying.
i want so desperately to fall in love with a beautiful girl. my american dream. most people's american dream. i can't make it happen.
the good ones, i let them go. i let them go the easiest. the ones i walk away from everyday, just to sit behind a tear-soaked steering wheel wondering why i don't just make it work. break the habits. make a commitment. show someone that i really do care. i do. i could never say it enough. i might not ever let it escape my lips, but i do.
i think about you for parts of everyday. that may not be the dream of can't get you off my mind, head over heels, but when i think about my future you are always a shadow. a silent hope. something i hope will come around someday and we will be able to put away the excuses. i will be able to put away the excuses. you have been good. maybe even great.
i have been terrible. i have walked all over you. for months churning into years. i have never made up my mind about you, and i think you take that for dislike.
you are a daunting decision. i am scared to make it. deep down i know that if we both made that choice, that would be it. no more girls, no more nights, just you and me. the older i get the more right it sounds.
that scares the shit out of me.
i know because i have seen it. glimpses, moments. night's at gabe's, nights at the lake, and thousands of nights finding comfort in your words.
the truth is, to up to right now it has never worked. maybe i am daft to keep hope alive. maybe i am just right. i miss you.
i can't fathom what will push me closer, but the things she does and says are throwing me away from her. i can't help it.
we are very different. maybe too different. as wild and crazy of a kid as i have been, i have no exploits to rival the things she does each night as i watch in a nervous mix of anxiety and embarrassment. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
she makes me think how much better you are. you would be. without even a second thought or trying.
i want so desperately to fall in love with a beautiful girl. my american dream. most people's american dream. i can't make it happen.
the good ones, i let them go. i let them go the easiest. the ones i walk away from everyday, just to sit behind a tear-soaked steering wheel wondering why i don't just make it work. break the habits. make a commitment. show someone that i really do care. i do. i could never say it enough. i might not ever let it escape my lips, but i do.
i think about you for parts of everyday. that may not be the dream of can't get you off my mind, head over heels, but when i think about my future you are always a shadow. a silent hope. something i hope will come around someday and we will be able to put away the excuses. i will be able to put away the excuses. you have been good. maybe even great.
i have been terrible. i have walked all over you. for months churning into years. i have never made up my mind about you, and i think you take that for dislike.
you are a daunting decision. i am scared to make it. deep down i know that if we both made that choice, that would be it. no more girls, no more nights, just you and me. the older i get the more right it sounds.
that scares the shit out of me.
i know because i have seen it. glimpses, moments. night's at gabe's, nights at the lake, and thousands of nights finding comfort in your words.
the truth is, to up to right now it has never worked. maybe i am daft to keep hope alive. maybe i am just right. i miss you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
