it won't happen. it never does.

yesterday i came to the rather startling realization that i love her. i see her and want to walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her, just because they fit. i know she will crane her neck and smile up at me and things for those split seconds will be more than okay. they will be right. i see her walking down the halls and i feel the air knocked out of me when she turns and says hello. it feels so different than it has recently. a warm wind filtering through the doldrums. i ache for her, the empty-hearted, bright eyes inspired aching that i thought had faded away with high school football games and saturday nights shooting movies with andrew. when she is away from me i can't help but ring my hands in nervous expectation, knowing that she doesn't exactly love me back, and even if she does, she isn't going to come to grips with it anytime soon. she makes me want to run down the block screaming at my neighbors, coffee in hand, swathed in bathrobes, that i have found the most beautiful, smart, caring, and perfect girl in the entire world. a secret i can't help but blabber around town because of the way she makes my veins overflow with youthful exuberance and speculation. she gives me a feeling that i am on the edge of my chair, watching michael jordan sink a jumper over bryan russell in the 1997 nba finals. however, maybe the most important thing is that other feeling. the one where the back of my neck feels like freshly-fired pottery, my skin breaks into shivers, and my stomach does more flips than shawn johnson in beijing. the one when i hear her say that it might work someday. the one i get when she doesn't call back for days. the one i get when she openly describes what its like being with someone else, and the one i get when she explains that i should understand. i would do anything, give everything, and walk around the world just to have her feel what i feel. it won't happen. it never does.