always fall further.

i'm losing it. i can feel it. it's starting to slide, and by it i mean everything. another disaster that won't leave me too far off of where i have made it look like i am now. when you think you've hit the bottom you can always fall further, and when you are at the top you can always see the the valley. right now i feel like i have started the descent. i am losing it. i can't keep this optimistic demeanor. i can't. i am scared. not little kid afraid of a ghost scared, but little kid of a world scared. insignificance is ravaging my thoughts lately. to what ends does this all go? the questions everyone fights tooth and nail with, but i'm feeling like it doesn't matter. at all. i know how to play the game to the richest ends, or at least the satisfactory, and it is so uninteresting. i can lead an average life and get away with it, and i know how. in five years i could be there. i know if i picked a girl tomorrow, i could get her to love me. settle down. live out the time until we will all unassumingly pass out of this world. i can teach the children, attend the barbeque's and bake-sales, paint the face of a meager yet gracious small town philanthropist. i want it, and i don't. there is always a part of me that would give anything for that life. it would be rest, no more thinking, just living through minimal tasks. IT'S HER. that's what's bringing me down. i'm too used to side-stepping the issue and attempting to blame something else, but right now, thoughts of her are exhausting me. making me question everything. when things are good with her, i want to do the right things for the right reasons. when she is away i want to be face down in a ditch with a fifth of jack. just so she could find me. dress my wounds. rebuke me. scream until she has no choice but to stifle her exhausted voice. tell me that i should be better. that i should make it work. that it's my fault, and that if i just turned it around we could be great. that's the thing though, i am turned around. i can't get things together much more than they are right now, and she is still out of reach. i crave the attention. honestly. i love it. i can't help it. when she looks at me i feel like absolutely nothing else matters. if anything needs to be put completely out of my mind, put me in a room with her. it will change things. it will make me unconcerned about the rest of civilization. i feel like i am arduously playing the hasbro game mousetrap. it's weighing so heavy on my mind that nothing else can get done right now. i just need her. to be close to her. to fall asleep with her head on my shoulder. her breath on my cheek warming my blood and stifling this malady. this fever won't break. she will really make it worse. i need to be out of here. i'm blaming this place again, and it is a childish accusation. there is nothing wrong with the sun, the air, the water. she is just throwing it out of focus. i am going to need to make a change. i just don't know how or what yet. as soon as i can i need to find a cure.


listening to -
jimmy eat world (futures) - work, kill, etc.