courage.

i wish i had the courage. i never will. i am a coward. i am fully going to sit back, reading my novels and writing my epics while the one thing i know i want just passes by. i no longer have the youthful zeal to chase after you, making empty threats, writing empty songs. maybe it isn't cowardice, i have after all gone through so much for you. there have been dozens of nights where i have completely lost hold of myself, screaming tear-streaked soliloquies at my steering wheel. it seems to apocalyptic and empty handed to worry any longer, for you know not what you do. i am just going to sit back, observing from the shadow drenched backstage behind the set. you show the entire world your incredible smile, but the tears seem to always end up on my shoulder. he will let you down, as would i. i am not better than him. no, i sometimes would like to fashion myself that way, but there is nothing that i can point out. i want to scream at you that you could do better, but in reality i only say that because i wish you would choose me. i am blue with envy, for all the leafy bitterness and resentment is gone. it's just hallow. i think empty thoughts in my empty head about my empty life that you seem to haunt. from day to day, hour to hour, you will never put an honest word near me, just a frown that seems to say that although you won't be with me, you are still content to be miserable. i am still amazing myself with the unbelievable calm i am facing this situation with. somehow, i am able to sit back and endure this quietly. i never had any intention of doing so, but i guess we all have to grow up sometime. i love you so much that i can not step in, i feel like you will eventually learn for yourself. i hope. i have no more moves to make, gifts to give, or words to exchange. you have broken my spirit, but now chased it away. i don't have the breath in my bones to put up the fight needed. he would win. i don't have whatever it could possibly take to have you want to make this right. i'm losing, not to mention lost already. i had dared to hope things would somehow reverse a course of months and the minute i walked back onto that campus it would be mid-december and you couldn't help but love me. i was wrong. so wrong. once again, you leave me out of courage and despondent. congratulations. do you not realize it? sometimes the ability to be oblivious is your most redeeming quality. i should just get by it, get over it, or swim out of this sea that i am drowning in. as terrible as it sounds, i'm just chasing the ghost of a good thing it seems. maybe even a thing that wasn't that good to begin with. that is the coward in my speaking. i know that i have never felt as good as the times when things were right with you. they have been few and far between, but when it has clicked, i have known, for a split-second, that in the end it will all be good. i can't write this anymore, because it is starting to get to me, and i am lacking the courage to come out and say the things i truly want to see, although i doubt it would matter, would it?