panic attack.

tonight i feel like the world is carefully collapsing. i feel miserable. i want to sleep, i don't want to sleep, i want to be done. with everything. with life. i feel like this is where the slide will start. this will be the point where i look back and think of friday as the precipice of the fall. fall starts tomorrow officially. another chapter of my life that feels over before it even begins. i feel frantic. i want to scream at the top of my lungs warnings to my future self. the one a few seconds in the future. the one that could stumble. it's all fading so quick. all of a sudden i feel behind. i feel like everyone is a few steps ahead and too focused on their own path to look back and ask why i am lagging. i never wanted any of this. in fact, i never wanted anything. i acted as though i did, but deep down, i just want to be far away. left in a hammock in the woods to live out my days in serenity. i think this is a panic attack. i'm not sure. the entire world seems to be slanting, and i am not looking forward to the faces that tomorrow will bring. i want to be back with my brothers. i miss them. friday night i realized it. i have no desire to be there, so hopefully they will exit there soon so i can find them else where. here i am alone. i want to be alone, but i can't get through life like that. i just wish everyone would fuck off while still showing that they care. that doesn't even make sense to me, but at the same time it does. i feel disconnected right now. like i could fall off the earth from where i am, land somewhere else, and only the people i would encounter elsewhere would notice the strange burnt man falling from the atmosphere. so, i'm taking off humming...