like 15.

it is really over, my childhood that is. i can tell. most of the stories i tell start with: "when i was back in high school," or "when i was like 15." great way to start a story if you intend to get absolutely no one to ever be interested. i feel like i am done living. not really. just tired. exhausted. all of the friends, the girls, the memories from my younger days are gone, distant relations who i never see. from time to time i will call, maybe show up at someone's door, but the desire is so far gone. i couldn't do it last weekend. i left, started pacing the interstate back to the familiar south, and then hooked into the rest stop and turned around. i found favor in rest and solitude over the comforts of spirits and company. it was a great choice i think. i'm making new friends, but i know it will never be the crew i used to have. there is no lothar, no velociraptor, no lil' jimmy, not even an r-poop. there are people i will fraternize with for the next year or so, and then pass on and be more alone than i am now until i can find more replacements. it scares me to think that someday i am going to die alone. that no one will take the time to read my stories. that no one will be around to retell them. there won't be. i am thinking about the coasts again. or at least somewhere obscure. somewhere i can go next year and know very few people. i don't know. i'm just lost and contemplating.